Tuesday, June 3, 2014

Beyond the picket fence and the happily ever after...

Once upon a time I lived in a big white house with pink trim and a white picket fence.

I had a darling family, a husband, a cat and a dog and 7 kids. I was living the dream.

Only it wasn't perfect. There were trials and hardships and no matter how hard I tried my seemingly perfect little life was not perfect.

So I gave up.

I finally realized that there is no perfect. Kids are kids. Life is hard. My marriage while it looked pretty ok from the outside looking in, it was far from perfect. and I hid how not perfect it was, or I tried to anyway. I hid it from myself and I thought I was hiding it from my friends and family.

They saw through it more than I realized and yet some still managed to be surprised when it came down to accepting and admitting that I had been in a verbally and emotionally abusive marriage for 17 years.

We had some good years, and some bad years and some years where I think we'd both hoped one of us would die in an accident or in our sleep or from the cancer.

I am far from blameless in the failure of my marriage.  I am flawed and have an abundance of faults I can admit and some that I'd prefer weren't public knowledge.

Many of my friends and Family knew this was coming, they knew for years it was rocky, they wondered how we even got together.

 I thought I was hiding it from my kids and protecting them, when really they knew before I did it was heading for divorce.

 If I just tried a little harder, if I just changed a little more. If maybe I stopped being myself and tried to be the person he wanted and needed me to be, maybe it could last a few more years, maybe forever. If I just did more.

I finally realized that maybe I was being a worse example to my kids staying, than I was sucking up the courage to finally admit to myself, I am worthy of love and respect. I deserve better and they deserve to see me as an example to them that I am strong, I am amazing and I can do it on my own.

I needed to admit that by staying together we were continuing a cycle of abuse. That by staying together we were creating another generation of victims and abusers and the CYCLE HAS TO STOP HERE.

My kids deserve to be treated with love and respect. They are worthy of love and affection without conditions now and in the future. I was not a positive example of that in my marriage and I was not showing them I believe in my own self worth or ability to be loved.

So this is why my blog has dwindled and died a slow sad death, and I haven't posted. This is why we had a horrible school year and are so relieved the stresses of it are no longer hanging over our heads.

I am getting a divorce. It's filed and now we just wait for it to be final.

The kids and I are staying in the house we are renting. The hubs has been very generous and we are trying to keep everything as amicable and stable as possible for the kids.

While it is hard, I'm hopeful that this new beginning will bring future happiness to all of us. That we can move onward and upward and be the best family we can be.

This is my new normal. 
Look how big my kids are getting. 

Easter picnic 2014

Mothers Day 2014

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© 2014 crazymamaof6

Wednesday, February 19, 2014

The Parable of the Onion.

Do you ever have bad days?

Or a series of trials that make you wonder WHY ME?!!

What did I ever do to deserve this? This Horrible trial that really tests my faith, in humanity or the lord.

You think, I'm a good person, I love my family, I go to church, I have faith in Christ, and yet still, your life goes to crap.

Have you ever watched someone you really love struggle, and you think, OH MY GOSH!?! This amazing person, who helps so many people, who does everything right, everything they are "supposed to do" and their life falls apart.

They get cancer, or their spouse dies suddenly, they struggle with poverty or illness or  job loss or death of a family member, or miscarriage or infertility or depression, or abuse.

Yes you have sympathy, and empathy for their trials. You help where you can and you show them you love them.

Some of those trials are easy to see.

While some  trials are harder to identify, they are lonely long roads that they
travel alone, bearing the burden.

Some people lament everything outwardly, while others bear their burdens in silence.

First off, I don't think the lord means for us to struggle alone.

I don't think he "punishes" his children. There should be no thought of WHY ME?!

and I chose not to be a WHY ME kind of person. I figure why not me?

I also think sometimes the trials and challenges we face in this life are not as punishment but maybe to give us PERSPECTIVE, EMPATHY and to teach us WE CAN DO HARD THINGS.

It's not the easy days or easy things in life that help us grow. Like the refiners fire, we are stronger after our trials.

If we aren't stronger, maybe it's just so we can realize how good the good times are.

My sister used to say, I'm not going to pray to feel closer to my husband because every time I do, everything goes wrong and it's one trial after another.

Tonight I didn't plan dinner, after a long afternoon of stress over one kids school struggles and taking another one to the library into the dinner hour, I came home to the Elders chatting with the hubs in the front yard. We are on the "inactive list" again (they said there really isn't a list but they stopped by).

Anyway, we had a nice chat, they are coming for dinner next week and when they left I finally came in and started making some dinner for those that hadn't eaten on their own.

This is where the "Parable of the Onion" comes in.

I decided to cut up an onion. added a little olive oil and fried up this onion to add to last nights dinner.

Hope was at the table doing homework and she asked what I was cooking, "IT SMELLS DELICIOUS!"

I said it's just an onion.

I had already been thinking about trials and struggling and sort of wallowing in the reality of the day. (Which has been happening more lately, life is hard sometimes.)

I realized, onions, are like trials, and how we choose to deal with them personally makes a huge difference in how they taste. We can take a bite out of a raw onion , it's bitter and makes your eyes burn, and you can cry through it, and think WHY ME?!

OR You can take that onion, or those trials, and you can ask yourself, WHY NOT ME?

How can this make me grow?

What do I have to learn here?

What perspective can I gain?

 What lesson can be learned from this?

You can dice up your onion, add a little butter or extra virgin olive oil, and a little salt,  put it in a frying pan and let it soften, caramelize that onion and make that onion (trial) easier to swallow.

Sometimes the silver lining is hard to see.

Sometimes your trials make you realize, it isn't my faith or lack of faith or the lord punishing me.

Maybe it's the lord telling you....

It's time to make a change.

 It's time to be a little more positive.

It's time to move on.

Sometimes the biggest trial or struggle isn't really even about you, and realizing, IT'S NOT MY BURDEN TO BEAR.

How often do we get caught up worrying about our kids, or our friends circumstances and let it steal the energy we have. (I hear that is another beast called Co-dependency)

Other times, I think the hardest trials are the kind that might bring you closer to the lord, The atonement isn't just about taking on your sins but also letting him take on your burdens. If you give them up to the lord, or take them to him with faith and prayer, your sins can be forgiven and your burdens made light.

I'd quote the actual scripture reference but hey, I'm on the inactive list again. I can share my realizations, but I'm at a loss when it comes to quoting scripture to you.

Anyway, Hope wanted me to post a status on facebook about how amazing the onions smelled, not everyone eats or likes raw or cooked onions but I can tell you, some onions are easier to enjoy, and EVERYONE whether they like onions or not has struggles and trials in life.

Like trials, it's in the preparation, and sometimes we need a little different perspective, when we try to swallow them.

Occasionally I'll be the first to admit, some trials are easier to bear with a little more help than just faith.

My trials in life have taught me plenty they include but aren't limited to...

CANCER, unemployment, miscarriage, depression, a dysfunctional childhood, poverty, marriage struggles, a herd of kids with ADD, a gay parent.

It's almost comical. I know my trials have been easier to bear when I have a good attitude, a little prozac and maybe some counseling thrown in, alongside the faith that things will get better, and that the lord knows me, he knows my struggles and my heart and if I do my part, (even a half assed effort) things will get better.

and the realization that maybe it's NOT ABOUT ME. Maybe it won't happen as quickly as I want. Maybe it's NOT ABOUT MY TIME FRAME.

I just keep swimming. In the eternal scheme of things, what seems like an unbearable burden right now, is seriously nothing.

SO there we are. The Parable of the Onion.

Everyone has trials. Everyone struggles. You are NOT ALONE.



Just keep swimming friends, Just keep Living the dream.



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