Once upon a time I lived in a big white house with pink trim and a white picket fence.
I had a darling family, a husband, a cat and a dog and 7 kids. I was living the dream.
Only it wasn't perfect. There were trials and hardships and no matter how hard I tried my seemingly perfect little life was not perfect.
So I gave up.
I finally realized that there is no perfect. Kids are kids. Life is hard. My marriage while it looked pretty ok from the outside looking in, it was far from perfect. and I hid how not perfect it was, or I tried to anyway. I hid it from myself and I thought I was hiding it from my friends and family.
They saw through it more than I realized and yet some still managed to be surprised when it came down to accepting and admitting that I had been in a verbally and emotionally abusive marriage for 17 years.
We had some good years, and some bad years and some years where I think we'd both hoped one of us would die in an accident or in our sleep or from the cancer.
I am far from blameless in the failure of my marriage. I am flawed and have an abundance of faults I can admit and some that I'd prefer weren't public knowledge.
Many of my friends and Family knew this was coming, they knew for years it was rocky, they wondered how we even got together.
I thought I was hiding it from my kids and protecting them, when really they knew before I did it was heading for divorce.
If I just tried a little harder, if I just changed a little more. If maybe I stopped being myself and tried to be the person he wanted and needed me to be, maybe it could last a few more years, maybe forever. If I just did more.
I finally realized that maybe I was being a worse example to my kids staying, than I was sucking up the courage to finally admit to myself, I am worthy of love and respect. I deserve better and they deserve to see me as an example to them that I am strong, I am amazing and I can do it on my own.
I needed to admit that by staying together we were continuing a cycle of abuse. That by staying together we were creating another generation of victims and abusers and the CYCLE HAS TO STOP HERE.
My kids deserve to be treated with love and respect. They are worthy of love and affection without conditions now and in the future. I was not a positive example of that in my marriage and I was not showing them I believe in my own self worth or ability to be loved.
So this is why my blog has dwindled and died a slow sad death, and I haven't posted. This is why we had a horrible school year and are so relieved the stresses of it are no longer hanging over our heads.
I am getting a divorce. It's filed and now we just wait for it to be final.
The kids and I are staying in the house we are renting. The hubs has been very generous and we are trying to keep everything as amicable and stable as possible for the kids.
While it is hard, I'm hopeful that this new beginning will bring future happiness to all of us. That we can move onward and upward and be the best family we can be.
© 2014 crazymamaof6