Tuesday, June 3, 2014

Beyond the picket fence and the happily ever after...

Once upon a time I lived in a big white house with pink trim and a white picket fence.

I had a darling family, a husband, a cat and a dog and 7 kids. I was living the dream.

Only it wasn't perfect. There were trials and hardships and no matter how hard I tried my seemingly perfect little life was not perfect.

So I gave up.

I finally realized that there is no perfect. Kids are kids. Life is hard. My marriage while it looked pretty ok from the outside looking in, it was far from perfect. and I hid how not perfect it was, or I tried to anyway. I hid it from myself and I thought I was hiding it from my friends and family.

They saw through it more than I realized and yet some still managed to be surprised when it came down to accepting and admitting that I had been in a verbally and emotionally abusive marriage for 17 years.

We had some good years, and some bad years and some years where I think we'd both hoped one of us would die in an accident or in our sleep or from the cancer.

I am far from blameless in the failure of my marriage.  I am flawed and have an abundance of faults I can admit and some that I'd prefer weren't public knowledge.

Many of my friends and Family knew this was coming, they knew for years it was rocky, they wondered how we even got together.

 I thought I was hiding it from my kids and protecting them, when really they knew before I did it was heading for divorce.

 If I just tried a little harder, if I just changed a little more. If maybe I stopped being myself and tried to be the person he wanted and needed me to be, maybe it could last a few more years, maybe forever. If I just did more.

I finally realized that maybe I was being a worse example to my kids staying, than I was sucking up the courage to finally admit to myself, I am worthy of love and respect. I deserve better and they deserve to see me as an example to them that I am strong, I am amazing and I can do it on my own.

I needed to admit that by staying together we were continuing a cycle of abuse. That by staying together we were creating another generation of victims and abusers and the CYCLE HAS TO STOP HERE.

My kids deserve to be treated with love and respect. They are worthy of love and affection without conditions now and in the future. I was not a positive example of that in my marriage and I was not showing them I believe in my own self worth or ability to be loved.

So this is why my blog has dwindled and died a slow sad death, and I haven't posted. This is why we had a horrible school year and are so relieved the stresses of it are no longer hanging over our heads.

I am getting a divorce. It's filed and now we just wait for it to be final.

The kids and I are staying in the house we are renting. The hubs has been very generous and we are trying to keep everything as amicable and stable as possible for the kids.

While it is hard, I'm hopeful that this new beginning will bring future happiness to all of us. That we can move onward and upward and be the best family we can be.

This is my new normal. 
Look how big my kids are getting. 

Easter picnic 2014

Mothers Day 2014

post signature
© 2014 crazymamaof6


Cara said...

Julie you are amazing!!! I went through this same thing 5 years ago and sometimes I look back on my first marriage and think, how in the world did I make it 6 years in a very similar marriage. It doesn't mean it doesn't hurt -- I know I personally trapped myself into thinking, "I got married in the temple, I was a good person, I this and I that..." it's still hurtful sometimes, thinking back to why someone who I loved so much, treated me so poorly. Luckily I too had to courage to get out and start a new life. Julie, I know great things are in store for you.
Your energy and beauty is infectious! You are a catch! You are hilarious! You are a daughter of God!!!!! While it's hard to understand why you have to go through this trial now, I hope one day you will know the answer to this question. I knew there was no way I would of met and married my current husband, had I not gone through my first marriage and have it end the way it did.
Great things are in store for you and your family. I undrstand that hope doesn't take the pain away now, but just know that I am thinking about you and your sweet, sweet kiddos.

bluedaisy said...

If you ever need an ear from a chica that has been through it TWICE (yikes) I am here. There are going to be so many emotions of all different magnitudes...keep your head up and don't ever lose sight of you and your kids!

Greg said...

I'm sorry this happened to you. You are strong and amazing and you will get through this fine. Also, you need to seriously write comedy. I love reading your writing style.

Tracy said...

I'm so sorry you are going through this! But good for you ending the cycle. You are so smart brave strong honest. You have amazing kids! Keep you head up and your chest out!! You got this!

Carie said...

Sure am sorry!

Messy Jess said...

My heart is with you. I have been through that. I hope you have the best of what you need when you need it. Never stop praying or lose your faith. There will come a time during this heartbreak that you will heal and you will feel strong. Being in a abusive relationship sometimes makes you feel codependant but you will find what you need is inside you ready to sprout. Take this time to heal.

janzi said...

Hats off to you girl, with seven kids thats quite a team to organise... I had five and was happily occupied full time until the youngest went to nursury and I returned to work.. all of mine are grown up now and some with kids of their own.. these day are very precious and you seem to be doing a grand job so far. Getting out of a verbally abusive relationship is the hardest thing, as your self esteem is so low, but you have managed to do it, and I am sure although the road might be up and down, its a whole sight better being on it alone with your kids... hugs from across the pond Janzi

Crazymama's RAD Followers

Get up and dance!

do you ever feel like............

do you ever feel like............