the grass is always greener - personal reflection and self analysis
**note: this started out a totally different post on a different day and it's evolved into something else entirely today.
it's become apparent, on face book mind you, that the friends i had in my past life (particularly high school) lead vastly different lives now. Political views. careers. married. single. kids. etc.
which has brought about some personal reflection and self analysis.
First off , just putting into a few words about myself . and summing up the last 13 years. and what i have accomplished is daunting. isn't it? or is it just me?
what have i accomplished? graduated high school, got married, had a handful of children. in that order.
sure i did go to one semester of college before i got knocked up. i mean that planned pregnancy with my husband. and then after having the first kid became a stay at home mom. Ah, my goal in life has been achieved. stay at home mom status is secured. tada SUCCESS!
would i say it's bliss? not quite. it's hard. and fun. and overwhelming, and tiring and occasionally rewarding , all rolled into one.
and i have 6 delightful kids. that are cute and intelligent, and wild and crazy, cruising adhd diagnoses and are creative energetic little people.
but how does that even compare to friends that are interior decorators with killer wardrobes, and Lawyers and other friends with Masters degrees?
all that, combined with hot bodies that haven't been stretched and ruined by having babies.
and i begin to over think it and the wheels of 'the grass is always greener' complex start turning.
These are people that have opinions on current events and are excited about the president elect. and bummed about the marriage props
these are people that HAVE TIME To keep up on current events. or at least hear about them on the drive to work or at a business lunch in a place that doesn't include a play land. or from friends that talk to adults on a daily basis about more than dinner and giving baths.
and they watch the news instead of the constant kid shows in the background.
when you know what time of day it is by what kid show is on. and the theme song for the worlds most annoying kids shows. not to mention recognizing the grating voices that play the characters on the shows. and find yourself quoting songs and catch phrases of aforementioned annoying kid shows.
I had to start looking at the things in my life that are pretty great. bringing about this post yesterday.
i got lots of you are an awesome mom comments. and thank yous for the positive spin on stay at home motherhood . (which wasn't something i was seeking but was nice to hear, thanks)
and then i asked Lance what he thought of it. we hadn't had much time to chat yesterday. and he pretty much tells me i'm a fraud. and that i am a horrible house keeper. and that is all that matters.
hey thanks. here's the bird.
it's true. my house looks like CRAP. I've been 'busy' blogging and on facebook. talking on the phone. running errands. making glitter cups. going to bunko, and assorted other things. cooking meals. and whatever else it is i do.
i have not napped one day this week.
i have not slept in past 7:45.
i have not read one book.
i didn't go out to one lunch this week.
the fact that i feel like a fraud. sucks.
and the emotional roller coaster takes a nose dive.
and why is it always worse when you had felt better about things the day before? maybe it's just me.
why is it that , you are only a good stay at home mom if your house is clean?
where in the guidebook does it say that?
or is that in the good wife manual?
sure some people have spotless homes. All the time. (while i'm lucky if my house isn't horrifying once in a blue moon, for planned company of course)
and their homes are decorated like the pages of a magazine. (mine never will be.i can't afford it)
AND they have more than 2 kids. like me. (but hey i'm impressed with people that have any kids and a clean house.or no kids and a clean house)
so i don't even have that excuse.
but i think i am normal.
people like that aren't normal.
or their kids are trained way better than mine to help.
or they obviously have better time management skills. which i obviously lack.
so i live a cluttered life.and i'm a fraud. i suck apparently at being a stay at home mom.
my husband said so.(not really but he sure as hell made me feel that way)
so what do i have then?
i have unlimited time to think about that. while i try harder.
because what i already do, apparently, isn't enough.
and i really doubt they (my old friends) think, when they start looking at my life, the grass is looking greener over here.
27 comments:
Remember people are able to "concel" alot about their real life, so those perfect lives maybe aren't so perfect. I don't think as many people are able to have that "balanced" of a life as we think they do. And it is hard when everyones strengths and weakness are different. I know even when on the outside I have things "all together" there are still some major thing lacking, and it sucks. Everyone has something in their life they would like to be better or different. Sorry it is crappy right now, you obviously know I know how that feels. Hugs!!
let me be the first to say... i am an interior designer with 85 pairs of shoes and 2 closets (one of them walk in) completely full of clothing. and i have opinions on the elections, and i get to watch the news. (but my body is still changing despite the fact that i have never had a kid... that is just the joy of getting a little bit older). and i LIKE being single (this may shock some) and the freedom in every aspect that comes with that. i can still date whoever, travle wherever, move wherever, and buy whatever. and i hate nothing worse than people who say "i'm sorry" to me when they find out i AM single and 31. but i will say that you as a mother are every bit the project manager that i am. every bit the news informant (just different information). you spending time on facebook and blogging and going out to lunch, you driving your kids from here to there, you being there with those 6 children who are DEPENDENT on what you can show them and how much you can love them - that's you nurturing the most important of things you can. relationships. with other people. and with not only your children, but your peers. THAT is why we are here. not necessarily to put sofas covered in fringe into peoples homes, not to best each other with tales of a clean house, not to scratch our way to the top of the corporate ladder (although it IS important to continue to learn and work and succeed)... but you are doing that. just maybe not in those same areas. you are making not just A difference in the lives of 7other people in your home, you are making THE difference. i have said before, you are a fabulous writer, a fun story teller, and a bargain guru. you are entertaining and people like your realness. you have a lot to give and you do it. willingly. i know you hear that motherhood is the highest calling blah blah blah, but julie, all i can say is, (besides the fact that motherhood IS the highest calling) all that glitters is not always gold. despite the fact that i am very happy and single, there are days when the grass in your world couldn't be ANY greener than as it appears to me. know that i love you. and i admire you. and if nothing else, know you have a cheerleader... hugs~
I agree it is hard to see how the other half lives sometimes. I think we all have The Grass is always greener syndrome from time to time. If you didn't you would not be human. I think you are a FABULOUS MOM and if you never decorate a house yours or someone elses what matters is what your getting off to school every day and spending ALL your energy on!!! Your kids don't care what you hang on the wall or put on a shelf they want to know you love them and that they are secure.I am sure they KNOW that. WHO cares if your house is clean or dirty, to each his own. A clean house does not make you a better person or mother.Sorry I will step off my soap box and let you get on with your day. I sure hope it gets better soon. Get yourself a nice sonic ice filled carbonated bevarge. sit down a relax while drinking it out of one of those super fun glitter cups:)
Ahh Julie! You and I are twins yet again! Satan makes it all so appealing, doesn't he? Think of the blessing it is just to be home with your kids. I was thinking how miraculous this is, in and of itself, in this day and age. Logically, this shouldn't be able to be done. So, somebody bigger than us must be helping us be able to do this.
No, my house isn't perfect either, but it's an opportunity for everyone else around me to learn patience, tolerance, and not to judge. Look at what I'm offering the world--great opportunities for learning and growth. Nice of me, huh? I keep thinking someday it will be nice and clean and tidy, but who am I kidding?
Honestly, I don't think anyone is envious of our side of the fence because they don't think they could hack it, and you know what? I think they're right.
(((HUGS)))... just sounded like you needed a hug! I'm sorry you feel the way you do. Sounds like a day to go grab "liquid sanity" (aka... Dr Pepper) and take some time for YOU!!! You are a fabulous person and don't let others make you feel otherwise! Thanks for coming to BUNCO last night, I really enjoy it when you come!!!
I hear ya! I start to feel that way too...like I'm not good at being a SAHM/*HOME*maker unless the house is clean, food on the table & laundry done & put away! UGH! I hate that feeling! How do some people have such a clean house? Not really sure, maybe they pay someone to clean it for them (boy I wish I could do that) or they are neurotic about cleaning every second (SO NOT ME)! Just remember that YOU are doing your job - taking care of your family. Family comes first and sometimes all that other stuff has to take a backseat. Remember...even one of the general authorities told us so. LOL
(((BIG HUG)))
I actually went to a liberal arts college where all my friends are as you described. Single, fashionable, and in the know, but it gets old fast. To them, I am the one that is different.
I am excited that I get to enjoy my fifties the right way, young enough to enjoy my grandkids.
I would never trade being single-ever! And even when you choose kids, I think it is normal to visualize not having one. The lows are low, but the highs are so HIGH.
Long, I forgot my point. Oh yeah, thinking like that is normal. Ignore the house and enjoy the kids.
P.S. there is no right way. I worked full-time with a baby, and I hated it and felt guilty. I quit working, and I didn't get to enjoy anything "finer" in life. Now I try to do both working part-time, and I think they both suffer. There is no right way. It is never going to be exactly how I wanted.
I don't have time to write my full comment, but...
...FLIP LANCE THE BIRD FOR ME, WILL YA????...The Rolling Double.
Thanks. I'll be back later.
Ahhh Tony and I have had this exact same conversation many times. It always comes back to this..What is my value? Do I suck if my house is a mess? Am I just a glorified maid? It is hurtful when they say things. Having six kids is a killer. I am exhausted by the end of the day and often discouraged.
Sometimes I just need to sit and think about everything that I do That IS good. I actually have days of pure fabulousness! And days that are not!
Don't get too caught up in the house. It is the season of our lives. I think one day when the house is quiet and it is clean and stays clean we might just long for those messy crazy days.I am trying to just enjoy them now. And appreciate where I am at.
Still it sucks somedays and so do our husbands! Hang in there!
if you want to do lunch or come over for lunch,let me know!
Sometimes husbands lack the skills of getting their message across without hurting their better (and I mean BETTER) half's feelings. And then they don't understand why you're upset. Honestly, I feel that if they are not happy with the way the house and/or the children look(s) or smell(s) or whatever, they should take care of it themselves (and not in that accusing way of "look what I can do that you are too lazy to do" - because that can only make you feel even worse - but in the "I contribute to this mess too, and so it is my responsibility to help keep it clean also" way).
A friend of mine once told me that he needed to teach his wife how to clean the house because she didn't clean it to his standards, and then he proceeded to tell me how wonderfully his mother kept her house spotless. And all I could think about was keeping my arm from swinging around and smacking him in the face. There are so many factors (and I'm sure you can name a million) that make raising kids and keeping the house clean harder these days than a generation ago. I think his wife is fabulous, and despite the craziness of the 4 kids that he, by the way, helped contribute to the family, I think the house is pretty tidy (better than mine on most days, and I only have 1 child).
Anyway, just wanted to say that, despite their tactless attempts at motivation or suggestion or whatever, our husbands still love us. They may not understand us, but they definitely need us (everything would fall apart without you). But most importantly they need to understand that, as long as the children are fed and clothed and HAPPY, you are doing your job perfectly.
First.... what they said! :)
Second.... I really wish someone would think my grass was greener. *sigh* But it's not. It's more like a really desert-y desert landscape.
You.Are.RAD. Just keep repeating that. ;)
your grass is greener to more people than you know... i am only one of them .
A perfect house has nothing to do with being a good mom or a good wife. My friend remembers always having a clean house while she was growing up. What she doesn't remember is her mom ever playing or spending any real time with her or any of her brothers and sisters.
I hear ya! I have a post half written about just this thing - Why do I feel that my success in life hinges on whether my stinkin' house is perfect or not?
It's obviously not.
I couldn't say it any better than Jayna did, so I won't try, but seriously...I LOVE YOU JULES!!! You are super-fabuloso and I hope that you know it!!!
LOVES.
i will trade my spotless organized home for 6 kids in a heart beat. shoot gimme 3 kids. heck just one more would be nice. maybe the grass is greener Julie, maybe there are people who want EXACTLY what you have.
OH and i would trade my Masters Degree too...who needs it!?
Well you know that at my house I too am : "lucky if my house isn't horrifying once in a blue moon, for planned company of course" And that really isn't were it's at... I read your blog because I do think the grass is greener. I read your blog because you keep it real, because you amaze the shit out of me and because I think.. Man I want to be like her.. I want to make glitter cups and bedazzle back packs and spice up life and go out with my girl friends for lunches and have a bunco group. I want to be loved like Julie.. Are you kidding me? Girl you have it going on and you are LUCKY to be a stay at home mom. I work all freaking night long just so that I don't have to leave my kids and it is worth every last stinking second of my non sleep existance.
HUG.. HUG.. HUG... You are Rad and Fab and we love you, but not as much as your kids do. (wink)
Can a guy jump in here?
I stay home not from choice but because I lost my job due to illness. Any way all I have to do is make the bed, clean the kitchen,toilets and vacuum two rooms. Oh and cook something for dinner.
I have no kids and not much of a life. So I figuered out that I can do one chore each day and if I don't mess things up it don't have a mess to clean up.
But sorry this doesn't work with you.
I would suggest that the next time your husband hinted at your being a fraud ask him to trade places for one day.
Your job is 24/7 his is what...9 to 5? Does he help when he comes home?
My mom was a terrible house keeper. But if company was coming over all hell would break loose.
When the company arrived the house was spotless... now that's a fraud!
I can relate to your post. I went through an identity crisis of sorts when I joined facebook. I found x's and other friends, many whom did not have kids etc... I wondered what I seemed to have acomplished who I was. Did I relate to them the same wat or was I somewhat different because I was a stay at home mom. It took me a few weeks to settle in to and realize I was happy with who I was and where I was in life. Life has a way of never being perfect. I have to say husbands can often have a bad way of saying the wrong thing too.
How clean your home is won't matter to anyone ever. It's how much love that you give your kids that matters. I'll be honest my mom could never keep up with the house (5 small kids does that) and I felt I grew up with the best mother and the best childhood. You are that kind of mother and person. Celebrate the successes. You could spend all your time cleaning and organizing and miss all the good moments or be too cranky to care because your overworked and took no time for yourself. Besides a clean house is a sign of a wasted life, right?
Opps that is me, Laura.
I agree that people have lots of "secrets" or things we don't see. EVERYONE has their downfalls or trials. I wish I had 6 beautiful babies that were homegrown. Maybe someday and not that I'd ever want to give back all the things I learned by adopting, but I still wish my girls grew in my tummy. Everyone has different goals and asperations too. I might require a cleaner home than you to function ... a messy home stresses me out ... why? why can't I ever just let it go? It's not always a good thing. You do lots of wonderful things for your family that I just can't seem to find the time for. crafting as well. how much crafting have i done in the last two years? not much! :)
I agree facebook can be kinda "weird". I almost feel like I learn and see things I didn't want to know. I haven't seen the news in months. I'm sure by most standards (esp here in Pittsburgh), I'm very "uneducated" and my opinion doesn't mater. I'm uneducated and racist (ironic) because I did not vote for Obama or see him as the saint so many see him as. I think the world as a whole doesn't give stay at home mom's the credit we deserve for the education we receive on a daily basis!
I can't believe how you do it all...6 kids, so young...They sound healthy and happy and their pics are cute! I think everybody feels that way...I know I do sometimes.
Excellent post....and while I don't dare say too much on here (yeah, you know why)-- know that nobody is perfect and as long as your kiddos love you and KNOW they are loved by you then that is the most important thing. Besides....I like to think I am busy building my "eternal" house instead of the fancy smanshy one here....that is what is TRULEY important! :) Love ya!
PS--I was laughing my head off at the whole "kid show" thing....SO TRUE! PBS changed their schedule and it has totally messed up my day! Great post!
now i really don't want to do facebook.
here is the thing...my house usually looks like crap, my kids are lucky to get a bowl of cereal for breakfast (or a granola bar out the door) and right now that is the best i can do.
if i sat and compared myself to others i don't think i would leave my room.
and my hubby thinks "i am a stay in bed mom"...real nice! and it is true when he gets home i go to bed or read a book in my room. and he can basically take a flying leap! it doesn't matter that i did the dishes or made dinner or folded 8 load of laundry and put them away. oh no, i went and laid down.
you spend quality time with your kids! and you should never feel bad about that. you are an awesome mom! just because you don't have a degree..think of all the life lessens you have learned :)
As long as YOU feel inside that you are HONESTLY doing the best you can - THAT is all that matters. If at the end of the day, you feel that you have been honest with yourself and see no way to do more with budgeting your time better, then you have done your best.
You will NEVER have a clean house girl. Trust me. I grew up with 4 sisters and I have 5 kids. It is IMPOSSIBLE to have a clean house. Well, it can be clean underneath the toys and clutter. But it will never be completely picked up. So why bother. I have finally found something that worked for my kids if you are interested (email me or write on my Facebook wall). It has REALLY helped me and my kids get things done.
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