Feeling a little stressed.

Ok so I go to my endocrinologist next week. And I'm kind of dreading it. She is going to do an ultrasound of my neck from ear to ear. Last time I had an ultrasound my suspicions of spread to the lymph node were confirmed. I have never even had the left side checked by ultrasound , I hope she doesn't find anything there. So this new Dr. wants to make sure the lymph node that came back as cancer on biopsy is there and see it for herself before she sends me to the surgeon. I guess cancer looks different than normal tissue or lymph nodes on ultrasound. anyway I dread this appointment because it brings my worries and stress about the cancer to the front of my mind instead of where I keep it, in the back. I like to live in denial. at least I can admit it right?! so I go see her and then I have an appointment with a new surgeon to discuss my neck resection. They cut along the underside of your chin from the middle to back behind your ear then down the side of my neck and across to the middle again to meet up with my old scars,then they flap it open . It's pretty much a big C on the side of my neck. They go in and remove all the lymph nodes on that side and any muscle tissue or arteries that are involved. Like if the cancer is connected or growing into the muscle they take it out. It's ugly!Just the thought of it and the scars after! ugh! I thought OK, worst case that's what happens and now it's become more likely than not it's going to happen. You can imagine how thrilled I am about it. This would be my third surgery from thyroid cancer. and then after that's over I get to swallow radioactive iodine and hang out in isolation for a few days . Excellent! actually I don't mind the radiation, it's like a vacation for me. I can't be around kids at all so I get to hang out, watch TV and nap. I need to remember this time to take a picture of myself glowing in the dark. The Last surgery I had I asked the DR. to take pictures of the surgery and the rest of my thyroid, she took pictures of my neck open and the thyroid inside it and out of my neck. and It was pretty awesome! Maybe I'll post them. anyway, with the appointments to the Dr. and surgeon coming up, I'm feeling the reality hitting. and all this along with having a family to take care of. So I guess this is why I'm not all care free and happy all the time.
I need to try harder though to be happy and nice to my family. It's hard on them too. Gosh sometimes I hate my reality, Denial is soooooo much better!