the only thing i ever wanted to be... a mama.

the only thing i ever wanted to be was a mama. not a mommy.or a mother. the difference is unclear even to me. but I've only ever wanted it. I've achieved it. 6 times. I've given birth in one way or another. and here i am. crazymamaof6. i have achieve my life goal. sometimes i wonder why it isn't that fun. or rewarding?

I'm not sure what i thought it would be for me. i don't think I'd ever have the delusion that I'd be a fabulous mother, that wasn't the goal , just a mother. thinking I'd be fabulous would be setting the bar too high. a better mom sure. an attentive, doting mom? maybe, depends on the day. but just being a mama, having the kids, was pretty much the extent of the thought process there. i had no clue how hard it would be. how tired I'd get, and how totally insane it is.

i used to put my kids first. it was all about the kids. i only bought clothes for them, i didn't clean during nap time. i held sleeping babies, and often got stuck in the chair holding 2 at once. i bought toys, and books, boat loads of both, and it has turned into clutter. and one more thing that makes me CRAZY.

i'd lug kids to the mall all day, where you only unload once, and there is bathrooms, and air conditioning, and food, and play areas. and kids club, and cute shops to look in. and what's not to love about the mall? Peyton called it home more than once, before he turned 2. "yay we're home!" as we drove into the parking garage at my fave mall. we'd play, get cookies, a gumball, and sometimes, ice cream, along with lunch, and often a prize. seriously, how indulgent could i get? pretty quickly i figured out i was spending loads of money on stuff that didn't matter. i spend thousands on kids clothing in a year. and where did that get us? LAUNDRY MOUNTAIN. it's no adventure park.

i rushed my oldest kids to grow up fast, and now want my babies to stop growing, since i know how fast now time can fly. in the blink of an eye years have passed and my babies go to school , one, two , three, four , five at a time. and i have only one baby home. alot of the time. it's kind of nice. and yet, sometimes it's lonely. and i worry when they are gone. not that i want them home every minute , they are alot to handle. the loud talking , the fighting, and mess making. but they are mine and they made me a mama. but i know at school they have friends, they learn things like social skills, and math i can't do. they are independent souls, and love to go to school but they always love to rush in and tell me about their day.

what was so hard and totally insane a few years ago is pretty much over. i'm not a mom of babies anymore. i have kids. almost alot of big kids. and i need to enjoy them and hug them and love 'em as much as i can before they think they are too big for sitting on mom's lap, and hugging me. before they won't hold my hand in the parking lot anymore. and they already refuse to go in the ladies room with me. and i still treat them like they are 3 year olds. i don't have a baby and I'm not pregnant , this is HUGE, it also puts me in a different demographic. and it makes me sad. and yet sometimes, I'm glad i don't have to shop for burp clothes, or formula. and all the baby equipment? i don't miss it at all. well maybe i do. some of it is too cute.

i yell far too much, and i've realized, i never had everything figured out. i thought i did. and i judged harshly, and now i do the same things i judged people for. i know enough now not to judge. and really if people want to judge me harshly, i know enough now to blow off what they think . they have no idea what my struggles and challenges are . they might not know that my obnoxious child might have challenges too. i don't judge the people in line doing WIC( we did that while we were in school and you have to jump through hoops for the help you get, it's embarrassing, and totally frustrating sometimes, but worth it for the kids.) , and i don't judge the moms with screaming kids in the store. i no longer judge harshly the mom with a kid in a tutu and fairy wings or wacky job outifts, shoes on the wrong feet, or the people that let kids go to McDonald's without shoes on. i now know it's easier to leave them in the car, or someone will forget or lose theirs, so leaving them in the car is just smarter.

i finally realize i can only do what i can. that some things just don't matter. today or ever. i struggle still with being happy with where we are. it's hard with a larger family, and we have our days. but this is all i ever wanted in life. i've achieved my goal. was it easy? no. but totally worth it. every day. all day. i'm the mama. and it depends on who you ask but that means , i'm the boss! who doesn't' love that? i may be a crazy mama but no one can do what i do , no one can replace me. NO ONE. it's good to be the mama. even if i'm crazy.