Sunday, May 30, 2010

Believing it, even some of the time, is a step.

Ok so, sometimes i can be TOTALLY vain or HUGELY narcissistic. and then other times I'm WILDLY insecure.

often my self confidence is either entirely false, or extremely fragile.

Anyway. so why am i bringing this up again?

no, not to hint that i need compliments, because that's not what I'm going for here. in fact i think I'm taking comments off this post.

but, i posted a pic on FB.

full body shot. and holy crap I'm having an anxiety attack that it's on there.

it's all i can do not to delete it. (yeah i do that. ALL.THE. TIME.)

people "like" it,

flattering comments are made on it, and all i can think is "are they lying to me?"


"is it really hideous and they are just being nice?"

are they all thinking, HOLY HELL did you see that? who does she think she is?

yeah those are my natural instincts and thoughts. EVERY TIME, i post a picture, leave the house, talk to people. go out of my 'comfort zone'.

i struggle. i always have and probably always will. with my self image.

sure a great personality can take you pretty far.

there are those that subscribe to the " oh , but she's got a PRETTY FACE" way of thinking.

or the...

she's surprisingly attractive considering...(her weight) {p.s. saying this to someone is not a compliment, it's RUDE}

and yet, even when i was at my thinnest, hottest most beautiful self, i couldn't see it. i didn't feel it. i lacked the confidence.

sure i walk tall, carry myself well, fake it til i make it EVERY DAMN DAY, but it's a mask.

maybe my confidence is shaken, since my husband told me that he just agrees with me that something is cute or attractive. HE'S LYING! lying to me! I'm asking for an opinion before i leave the house in something TOTALLY unflattering, and he's LYING?

WTH? yeah i hate to hear something is "fine". or good or looks nice.

to me that's code for really it sucks, you should change.

even if people say it's SMOKIN' HOT or FABULOUS. I doubt them, and their sincerity.

which i know gets old.

seriously though, who can you trust? the sales people? who see a fat lady willing to spend money in this economy to feel a little fabulous in a new outfit? (I'm sure they see job security when i am trying on skinny capris)

on the opposite side of the coin there are the well meaning friends and relatives that constantly make comments about diets and exercise in my presence.

it's all they talk about hoping I'll absorb some of their "helpful" words of wisdom.

or entice me to join in on the latest trendy or yo yo diet.

sure some of them are doing the diet themselves and really excited about their progress.

I mean I'm fat. why wouldn't I want to do that? well, as insecure as i am, i realize i have limitations. and that some diets would create more problems for me than, say, the next person.

hormone shots or drops added to my already screwed hormones would probably be a waste of money not to mention not great for my other stuff. (and it's not like i have money for that anyway)

plus i know after doing the trendy or pill methods in the past, that i can't afford to lose 20 , 30 or even just 10 lbs, because I'll gain back whatever i lost plus an additional 10 or 15 after I've stopped taking whatever it was i was taking to lose the weight.

my body wanting to stay at it's standard body weight.

i take the pills it works great, stop taking them and BAM! all that weight is back PLUS 15 . i can't afford the extra 15. and losing 10, 20, or 30 lbs isn't even a change in my pants size. seriously?! it's gotta be some serious change to even make a visible difference.

i'm better off maintaining and accepting myself and my natural body weight, than yoyo dieting and gaining 15 or more every time i try some new thing. ONCE I realized it was counter productive for me, I stopped.

sure i could be more active. sure i could watch portion sizes. sure i can limit every delightful thing i enjoy and i might be better off.

i mean i skip my thyroid pills for a week or two and gain 20lbs. 20 lbs that don't come off when i start taking them again. HOW BAD DOES THAT SUCK? doing nothing but failing to take a little pill correctly for the rest of my life and I'M SCREWED.

of course genetically i am predisposed. i look like my mom, who is lovely. at any size.

of course she did the trendy and yoyo diets always. she was never in pictures. she never went swimming. ever.

as a kid i didn't care what she looked like, she was my mom. it would have been so fun if she would have gone swimming in our own backyard pool, but she didn't own a suit.

so now, I'm trying to break the cycle. I'm gonna swim with my kids because kids just want to go swimming and have fun, they don't care what you look like.

I'm gonna have my picture taken so someday there will be proof that i was there!

and I'm gonna tell my girls by my actions and attitude of loving and accepting myself i am beautiful and worthy of being loved at any size.

sure i will still struggle. EVERY DAMN DAY!

but not everyone can see that i do.

faking it 'til i make it. believing it even some of the time is a step.

finding ways to get more active that i enjoy instead of being a drudgery is a step.

breaking up with my carbonated boyfriend is another one. (i don't drink soda daily anymore, which is a huge step)

ok, so this wasn't where i was going in the beginning of this post, it's taken a couple days, and evolved. shifted and come back to end here.

I'm aware. now you are aware.

this is me trying to accept myself the way the lord made me.

if someday i run into a bunch of extra money and can get a personal trainer, dietitian and surgeon to redo me, well great.

at least hopefully by then i'll be in a mental place where i already love myself no matter what.

at that point thinner thighs , perky boobs and the right dress size would just be a bonus, not the mythical key holding my happiness hostage.

and if i never do run into a situation where i can afford those things, well it won't matter, because my kids will know, i loved them enough to wear a swimsuit in public, and to pose in a picture to show i was there. and I loved myself enough to accept my body as it is and that I'm the best/happiest me, at any size.

I'm pretty sure i'm not the only person that feels this way.


apparently this is hard for me to blog about because I've gotten up a few times, preferring to clean rather that delve into my thoughts/feelings/self analysis on this topic, and we all know how i like to avoid cleaning, if this is harder than that? well shoot maybe this really needs to be dealt with, or shoved back into the deepest depths of denial again.

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