I thought about posting this on another blog.
I have one that no one reads, another that is new and so private only I can see it, and yet, today, I think, HEY, screw it, this is MY BLOG and this is where I have an audience and maybe someone else needs to hear this.
Maybe they feel the same.
So last night I was at a family function with my in-laws. which was of course DELIGHTFUL, and I had an interesting Conversation with my sister in-law, she's on a healthy eating kick again, which is great, good for her.
My comment about her eating a lettuce wrap turned into this weird conversation about, how she's trying really hard, and she's working out with a trainer, and her dr. said she's got this, or that, and she has had a bunch of health problems, and it's really hard because of her thyroid and and and.
When suddenly, it turned from why she is working on it, to, do you ever? and turned it about me.
I sat there thinking? was this what she was getting at all along? she saw my hamburger bun and yeah, I'm overweight, hell, I'm obese. I had just announced I was pregnant, and that history of thyroid cancer hasn't gone away, and I wondered was this about me all along?
Or does she just think I'd understand her struggle because, sure, I do, yet, sometimes when all someone talks to me about is their weight, I think, do you realize who you are talking to?
The question that she asked that bothered me in my dreams all night was....Do you ever get discriminated against by people because of your size and I answered her honestly.
"No, not by anyone whose opinion matters to me."
Not by sales people, or my Dr. or anyone where I go frequently or even, anywhere that I have noticed.
The people who have in the past discriminated against me were a few so called friends, who I just ignore and don't associate with anymore, and occasionally family, primarily, my in-laws.
But like I said, if people do have issue with my weight, their opinion doesn't matter to me.
Still, I thought about it all night.
My reply at the time was the above and then I explained... I dress well, always, I carry myself with confidence, I wear make-up and I have a quality haircut. That to me, seems to make all the difference.
Dr's offices, and store associates all see dollar signs when I walk in, not that I have money, but I appear to and that's all that matters.
Restaurant managers come up to talk to us and ask how our service is, ALWAYS, (I think it's weird how often that it happens.) The hubs said they are pandering to what appear to be good customers and they want us to come back. It's the opposite of discrimination.
I am recognizable, I go somewhere once and they recognize me the next time I come in.
Sometimes I prepare myself to be treated differently when I walked into some skinny teenager store, everything there is under a size 9 and those girls JUMP at the chance to help me.
They know I'm not shopping for myself, and they can tell I'm there shopping, and want to make a sale. They see dollar signs. and know if they treat me well they might make a sale, and if they don't I'll leave and never come back.
But again, my hair is styled, and freshly colored and I have make up on and a fabulous outfit and I carry a nice purse and I walk in with confidence, and if I have the baby with me, he's clean and dressed cute.
So yes, some people may be treated poorly based on their weight, I am not.
I wonder if this was due to my Fb status from the other day:
Crazymama- Shallow post alert: lamenting the fact SHE will be the token fat lady at Big Surf today. And settled on, "well at least my boobs look good." Moving on.
I did move on, and had a fabulous time. I quickly discovered, NO, I wasn't the fattest person there, and wasn't the least attractive one either.
Just because my self esteem is fragile, I think like that, it didn't help I'm 10 weeks into my 8th pregnancy and my swimsuit isn't fitting the same as it did at the beginning of the season. In fact I tried on 3 swim tops that morning, only to go back to the original one I already had on.
Ideally the cleavage detracts from the rest of me.
I just realized, YES, during my last pregnancy, I did have an ultrasound tech at my Ob's office make a rude comment about my weight, and I left in tears after her treatment.
Since her treatment and service last time was bad, I told my ob this time I refuse to see her again. He then, did my ultrasound in office that day himself.
He hasn't done ultrasounds on a regular basis in YEARS, I asked that he refer me out to the genetic testing center for my other ultrasounds for this pregnancy. I have a feeling that his office ultrasound tech, will be getting a talking to.
His nurse was shocked, a nurse who I've seen for 8 pregnancies over the last 15 years, we know each other by sight on a first name basis. She said, "you are getting the gold standard of treatment". I said yup, "I'm a frequent flier."
So there we are.
Are you still with me? I'll end with a few pins. Sometimes I find the ideal ones that say it all and I save them on a board called, "confidence is sexy" as a reminder to myself.
Yes I struggle. I discovered at bunko, my skinny friends don't like to have sex with the lights on,that they don't feel good in their own skin.
I am a quality human being. I am a good mother, a fabulous sister and friend, and I am more than my size.
© 2012 crazymamaof6