random musings of a mother.
comparisons?
i find myself comparing things/people/children/husbands/lives etc.
not necessarily all in a bad way. just in a noticing the differences between each way.
it's the feelings i get after i notice the differences that aren't so hot.
for instance.
i have 6 children. but I'm talking about 1 of 6 and 2 of 6 right now.
NOW. I'll state some of the obvious things about these children.
first 1 of 6 is a boy and 2 of 6 is a girl. they are almost exactly the same height -he is slightly shorter than her. and weight is only a couple lbs off. they have almost the same hair color.
one is a super intelligent. brainiac fabulous reader. the other one isn't
now the part i struggle with is...
not comparing one's strengths to the other's weaknesses.
HE is way WAY above grade level in reading.for his first book report last year , in 3rd grade , was on The Hobbit. he typed it himself. with little prompting or help from me.
Now this week, the first book report of the year is due, on TUESDAY. and no book has been read. we have checked a couple out. she attempted to read a few. but her teacher said she has to read a book at her reading level for her book report and all the books we've attempted were too high. it has become blatantly obvious her reading level is significantly below grade level.
Her first book report will be on FANCY NANCY and the Posh Puppy. it's in her reading level range we have it at home.now we will compose a book report to go along with what i consider a little kid book.
and I'm struggling not to compare my first 2 children.
and it's not like a book for a book report matters at all in the eternal scheme of things. it doesn't even register as a blip on the radar of this school year.
why the thoughts on it then?
i have done nothing differently between these first 2 children. well i guess i have actually. i did practice with him during church reading sight words in the hymn book. the, and, will, at.
ya know tiny sight words. but that wouldn't make the difference as huge as it is.
and yet i wonder where i have failed. i wonder where i went wrong, and why there is this HUGE difference.
in other comparison ways though. 2 of 6 makes friends everywhere she goes. she is incredibly self assured. while 1 of 6 is shy, annoying to the point of not having/driving away friends, and significantly less self assured when it comes to social norms. again no major changes in how they were raised. it's just how they are.
1 of 6 has ADHD while i wonder if 2 of 6 doesn't have ADD but she is still functioning in a normal school setting. she has no real diagnosis at this time. he is medicated, she is not.
one is a picky eater, and a hypochondriac of the highest caliber. but helpful and observant.
the other is obsessed with video gaming, and reading. has selective hearing and memory. and is distraught at the injustice of the world.
both are caring and sweet to younger children. both have been known to pass the buck on helping out at home. both, still love kisses goodnight, and hugs. and sitting by mom or dad at dinner. both have been known to sacrifice something they have for a younger sibling that wants what they have.
comparing them? does it do me any good? NOPE. does it do them any good? not really.
occasionally i feel guilt knowing i compare them and their strengths and weaknesses. and wishing they were equal. in the best ways. and that neither had to struggle in any way.
and yet, it does make me realize i have to treat them as individuals. see to their needs, and navigate raising them with different strategies. to find their strengths and help them pursue their goals.
they are both Great kids.
ahhhhh the life of a mother.
problem is i do the same to myself. comparing what i have or my weaknesses to others strengths. it does me no good. it sometimes inspires me to try harder to be a better, hostess, or homemaker or mother. and yet i dismiss my strengths when others compare themselves to me. do you do that to yourself too?
Questions i have for you...
do you compare your kids? what about yourself?
any wise words you wanna share?
what do you compare?
disclaimer: i don't tell my kids one child is better than another. i do hype each child's strengths to them. we find different things about each child to celebrate and push them to excel in. everyone needs their own identity and self esteem. and we encourage them to find things they feel good about. I'm just saying occasionally i struggle internally with these things. how about you?
26 comments:
We're pretty good about not comparing their differences, but our struggle comes in not comparing their strengths, and finding that one is not quite as good as the other.
That is really hard when they both play the same sports, both love them equally, and are both good at both of them. We're trying really hard to learn to focus on their individual strenths in the different positions they play rather than their overall athleticsm. Not easy, but more rewarding for them, I think.
Great post!!!
I only have two kids, so it is pretty easy to compare:) My kids are night and day, not only in personality, but in school, social and church situations. You are hard wired in the womb, I believe.
Oh, I am SO bad about doing this to myself. I torture myself over why I'm not as good at this-or-that as so-and-so is. I let my weaknesses eat at me. Thanks for this post, friend :)
VERY interesting post.
to me it just shows that you KNOW your kids as the indivduals that they are, that is commendable.
i only have one kid (so far) but since she has some special needs i often find myself comparing her with other kids her age (my niece, her friends etc.) mostly as a way to kinda of see where i can help her more. but sometimes i am sad that she isn't at the same level they are right now, just because i feel like she is missing out on some things. but i guess her day will come, and she is a super awesome kid.
We have 2 kids, so yes, I do compare, but there is no comparison. They are different in so many ways, but yet the same in others. I try to have them work together to teach other their strengths.
As for me, of course, we do compare ourselves to others. I think it is human nature to give yourself a rating of where you think you stand. I think it is a nature instinct we are hard wired with from a very young age.
As for words of wisdom. I think that we are who we are from a very young age. Probably from infancy. I look at my upbringing and compare myself to my brother and we are very different in strengths, but we have the a lot in common also. As siblings, I think we are given strengths that we can share with one another.
P.S. Look at you. A double post tonight. Are ya trying to make up?? You are funny. :)
I find myself doing the same thing.
I have no words of advice other then this is what makes us GOOD parents...I think we need to worrry about things. It's our motherly intuition...Right?
Proof that no two kids are alike, even coming from the same parents. We all came with different talents, strengths and weaknesses. You're good to encourage their strengths. If you're worried about her reading, maybe see if they have after school tutoring or something (ours does and it's free). I do know that my little brother struggled with his grades his whole life, and compared himself to me, even though my parents didn't compare us at all. It really bothered him that I was better in school. He didn't go to college, but owns his own business now and makes over $120k a year, so I think it usually all works out. But it's hard not to worry about our kids.
Yes, I compare (we actually had a lesson in YW yesterday about comparing ourseles). I try not to vocalize things to my children that I notice. My parents vocalized those kinds of things too much and I think it was damaging to certain kids. It would be nice if all my children were reading 10 novels a week by the age of 5, but I absolutely don't expect it and assume, like you, all kids will excel and struggle in different areas.
I def. compare myself...weight, hair, clothes, make-up, cute kids, homes, etc with other women. Most of the time it's not something that bothers me or upsets me unless I know I'm being compared, my strengths aren't being valued, etc. That's when I get down & frustrated cause I know I'll never live up to what someone else expects.
I don't compare my kids to each other, they are spaced pretty far apart though. One is better at something and the other is better at something else. I know they are different in everyway but that's what I love about them, they are both challenging too and I don't always love that about them but it is who they are.
When I was younger I used to compare myself to other people but not anymore, I am comfortable in my own skin and I know that comes with age.
I only have 2 kids and they are both boys. They look a like, sound a like, even act a like at times. But they are so different too. I compare them to each other all the time. I think its just human nature maybe.
As for other people, I honestly don't compare who has what. I'm just not that way. I don't care if someone has a better car or house or clothes. I'm pretty content to be me. And so is my hubby. Is that weird, I'm not sure. But that is how I am.
Wise words? Just keep doing what your doing. Your kids seem pretty awesome to me!
My kids are all so different, too, and the two older ones are 14 and 12, so I've had loads of time to see their diff's. I have to say, stay away from comparisons--that just brings on bad things (from my observances).
Even tho' my kids are vastly different, they are all vastly good and wonderful kids with their own unique talents and abilities. The thing to do is to notice each's talents and give them every opportunity to develop them. Always steer toward the positive.
I try to hard not to compare my life to anyone else's. That's just not fair to anyone involved. If I see something in someone that I admire (a trait or a habit, or whatever) and I think that would somehow improve my life, then I might try to adapt it. If I see something negative, then likewise, I try to avoid it. The thing is to be sure of whether the good thing you want is really a good thing.
It's so hard not to compare. Of course they're all individuals, but in dealing with each, there are different tactics that I've used with some that work for others and with others still, that way of doing things doesn't work at all, and I have to reformulate just for that one child. It would make life so much easier if they were all cut out of the same cookie cutter, but wouldn't life be a bit stale and boring if that were the case? So, yes, I do compare, not to their faces, but in my head just for the sake of trying to figure it all out and be successful with each.
I met a woman at my daughter's soccer game the other day who was talking about an aggressive player on the team they played that day. Behind their backs, she condemned the parents for that little girl's aggressive behaviors. I was surprised by this woman's attitude. She must not understand that children all come with their own little package of talents and trials. I'm glad for your post because I've been pondering on this subject a lot since talking to her. Thank you!
I think everyone compares their kids in some way, even if to wonder why they are so different.
Here's some good news, if you aren't responsible for one child being an excellent reader, than you don't have to take the blame for the child that is struggling. We are all trying our best for all of our children.
I think everyone compares a little bit. I don't mean too, but I do classify my kids and know who's the smarted, funniest.... etc. So I know we do it, but as long as we are positive about each of our kids I think its ok.
♥ It always amazes me how different kids can be. I compare and I think that it's normal... Otherwise how would you know where a child should be at for their age. Not that it doesn't mean that they will differ but still... And like you said it's not like we say it to our children! I compare height, weight and where they're at learning wise etc... :)
Yep.......I compare, but not so that they know it. I hope. In fact, I'm waiting for teacher conferences so I can see if #2 is starting first grade at the same level #1 was at in first grade.
I compare myself all the time. Especially the clean house thing. Why is that the talent that I didn't get? How do they do it?
As for the kids...#1 is such a Golden Boy, that it's almost impossible not to compare. What a hard act to follow. We try to encourage #2 to develop his individual talents, especially the ones that #1 doesn't do.
and of course, I was #2. V is a hard act to follow too. I wish I'd realized earlier in life (HS) that her talents are not my talents and allowed myself to be Me. I'd have enjoyed those school years much more if I'd done art and choir, instead of business and competing for student gov't (both soooo not me!)
my sis and i are are 1 year apart, she is very organized everything has it's place...i am so not like that. i have tried but i always fall into old habits.
with my kids especially with homework, i see my oldest doing hers no problem, no questions. with my 2nd i partically have to do it for the kid and it makes me want to scream. it is a constant struggle.
i think no matter what each child is different and it is super hard not to compare.
I agree there are good and bad comparisons and we all do it. We need to see if we measure up. I agreee it is in the light in which you do it and I admire that you celebrate their strenghts and differences. My parents were so good at that and I will always be gratful.
so i don't have kids. but i am a sibling. and i thought it was interesting as i was reading your post. i have a sibling just a year and a couple of months older than me.. he was always in advanced classes and smart, won the student council in 6th grade, great reader, understood physics (lol). and i, on the other hand (not raised any differently) was not a great reader (i love to read now but not when i was a kid) and school work was hard for me to focus on, etc. etc. but i loved to make things and i had different strengths... anyway, it makes for a fun family becasue all of our differences balance each other out! but i also compare things too! totally natural, i think. it's crazy how different people are, not to mention siblings!
I do compare my kids..and then I realize (at times) I am putting them in with me..she has my butt (tehe)..her dads eyes..etc..etc..
That term "It's not FAir" is used so much that it forces me to see it differently...that's when I'm grateful for that phrase. Thank you for sharing your family life with us!!
It's hard not compare and be thankful for who they are. It's just that natural struggle that I think we all have at some level.
Well thanks for stopping by my blog. You got Andrea started and she finally got me to start one. So when ever you want to geek out come back.
I'm so glad that we all are not the same! However, therein lies the comparisons! We want to see how we measure up with everyone else. SO HARD not to do the comparing. I do it and it never really makes me feel any better.
I also see the differences in my kids. No two are alike! Isn't that so weird? I never tell them the comparisons. We do like you, try to celebrate their strengths and encourage them on ways to improve their weaknesses. But it's nice how all of their strengths and weaknesses compliment the whole family!
Oh plus each kid has their own list of priorities. Your #1 just enjoys reading & games - it's a nice escape from reality! Your #2 loves to socialize because she enjoys being around people just like YOU!
My #2 just suddenly found the world of reading! She has been reading at least 2 books a week! (in her rdg level) And totally enjoys it!
My #1 will read when he finds a book really interesting. Otherwise, it's all about the games!
Good Luck with that book report! Those were nightmares for us!!
Your #1 and #2 are like my #1 and #2 except reversed! Funny how that is!
Kimm
Go with the differences! Encourage the reader to read, but find the talent of the other!
It became blatantly obvious that I wasn't going to be the music stars like my sisters after 6 years of cello lessons, 3 years of piano, and 3 years of voice. My mom then signed me up for sports. My self esteem rose, and I was even a captain for my college soccer team.
I am glad my mom took the pressure off of me to go to a completely different arena. You can't compare an athlete to a singer (or a brain to an athlete).
Isaac and Gracie are as different as night and day when it comes to academics. Isaac is above his grade level in just about all subjects. Gracie is...not.
Its hard not to compare them. Your post is a great reminder for me (especially when Gracie and I are struggling with first grade homework so much that I don't even want to ASK if she has any) to see them as individuals with individual talents and strengths. So thanks for that...you are RAD!
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