Monday, August 17, 2009

It's not a Competition

i think I've got my schedule all figured out for school. i start a week from Tuesday.

my kids are so excited to say I'm going to college. and that i will have homework too.

I'm taking 14 credit hours. which is more than I'd planned on (I'd only planned on 9) .

everyone else insists i should just take 6 credit hours (which is 2 measly classes and getting a degree would take forever at that pace).

and then, someone acts like it's a competition . he never took less than 18 credit hours. and often 21 or more.

but i think (or feel like) HE doesn't realize while he worried about finances. and homework and some household stuff.

it wasn't all on him. i had his back.

So, i worried about the kids. and DR.'s and appointments, and chores. and money. and cancer. and the kids.

now it's my turn to go to school. and i get to worry about the kids, and childcare. and homework and classes. and his schedule and appointments. the finances and paying the bills. and chores, and cooking and time and fun with the kids.

while he worries about work and some household stuff (whatever he chooses to help with or not) and kids sometimes.

it's an entirely different boat. (in my opinion) and a harder row to hoe as the mom going to school and raising my family , than it was for him to go to school while i raised the family.

when he went we were a distraction, a side note, a burden for sure.

But i worried about getting from here to there, child care, and household maintenance.

we were just noise in the background while he was going to school. we were also cause for sympathy and praise and distinction from other students. a reason for his name to be remembered.

it's different for me.

my load isn't any lighter. I'm taking on more. (more on top of a load of things i can't even get a grip on)

i (MIGHT) get to pay a maid so the house doesn't get totally out of control. but i'm expected to still keep up. Just because i'm in school doesn't make it his job (he was quick to inform me)

but i still have to worry about if the kids are sick, or need to go to the dentist or Dr. and getting them to do chores and their own homework. picking people up. running errands and grocery shopping.

I worry if he's going to be reliable to watch Pierce while i'm gone half day 2 days a week. and yet he's talking about business trips. and other things saying my issues are not a priority. that I'll have to get someone else.

SO it's not a competition at all.

i don't see my load getting lighter because I'm in school.

i'm a little stressed.

my point is it's not a competition.

the hubs got offended when i said that.

i supposedly "took it wrong" .

blogging about it might get me in trouble and yet, this is where i take my worries. my frustrations and my thoughts. this is where i blitch. and so there it is.


i heard from someone the other day i sound like i don't really enjoy being a mom. or that i don't enjoy my kids. so why would i ever want more?

if i don't enjoy them or enjoy having them, well then? why am i worried about my taking time away from them to do this?

why do i worry about missing out on class parties and field trips. and why do i worry about what if someone is sick and needs me and I'm in class? or supposed to be?

tell me, how does that work?

and if i don't really care about them then why does it sadden me that the baby is gone to school having fun and learning without me?

there are going to be no more babies, i'm sad about that! if i didn't love my kids and babies why would i have so many? my love of them doesn't make it less hard though. i get tired and frustrated like any parent.

WHY IS THAT? am i not allowed to feel that way?

and why do i worry all day about the other kids, while they are gone if they are learning what they need to, and happy while they do it?


Where does it say that a mom can ONLY EVER BE HAPPY about what she's supposed to be doing?

where does it say i should LOVE cleaning the house since i'm a stay at home mom?

where does it say that i have to enjoy the dirty work that comes with being the mom?

WTH? i don't have to enjoy every poopy diaper. and i don't have to love cleaning to be a good mom. and i don't have to think my kids are perfect and delightful when they are being mean to each other, fighting and making messes.

a good mom gets tired too. even a great mom needs time away from her kids and her family. some fabulous mom's yell at their kids. (i can list at least 4 moms that have it together, and are fabulous mothers in every sense of the word and they yell at their kids too-PICK THAT UP! cut that OUT, STOP IT! NO! )

i'm a craft at home mom. and a blog at home mom. i shouldn't have to just be a slave at home mom.

i tried really hard not to be offended at her ignorant comment. i mean all she hears from me is my facebook status . i haven't seen her in years. i never knew her all that well. but i was slightly offended. and went on the defense. maybe i don't sound as delighted as i am. maybe she made that comment because she is jealous of me and how many kids i have, while she's struggled. maybe she didn't realize that would hurt my feelings that i sound like that to other people.

someone saying ,"why would you want another one, you sound like you must not enjoy your kids ?" her opinion based soley on a facebook status.

SERIOUSLY? because i put all my true feelings on there right? even on the blog when i'm frustrated with one kid, i am bragging about another.

how would you take it?

about the school competition with my spouse?

HOW WOULD YOU FEEL? about the comment about the kids?

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© 2009 crazymamaof6


CassiB said...

seriously!! someone put that on a comment on fb! i must not be paying attention. this got me going so i'm answering it first! holy crap this chick must not know you! you put your feelings out for everyone to see. i love that you feel the same way i do on a lot of things and aren't afraid to type it out for others. oy, some people! second the competition with the hubs would annoy. big time! he should be supportive of you but i have my own theory on that. i hate that everyone thinks stay at home means handle everything. and if you are taking on school you aren't just a sahm anymore and shouldn't have all the duties involved with being a sahm.
p.s. how is that neapolitan cleavage coming?

Carie said...

I really do get tired of judgemental people, I really do. What, they have such a perfect life that they feel the need to look down on someone else? I wouldn't take it so personal because you know what you do, and how much you love your kids, and no one can take that away from you. It's just sad that people feel the need to try!
Regarding husbands and competition, don't even get me started with that one! Seriously, I could write a book on this subject and the unfairness and resentment of it all, but because no one would care to hear it I will end with saying, hurray for you for doing something for yourself, and I wish I could!

Anonymous said...

Can't tell you how outraged I am at whoever it was that made that comment about you and your kids! What a jerk!!!!!!! I feel the EXACT same way as you, my love for my kids and enjoyment of them has nothing to do with how much they can annoy me at times and how much they can get on my nerves. EVERY mom feels that way! I am with you 100%!!!!!! As for the unfairness of the stay at home mom and the hubs lets just say there are millions of us out here in the world thinking and feeling all the same things you are just brave enough to let us all into your world and vent for us! So there are my thoughts on the whole thing. Your blog still is a delight in my life!

Devri said...

I feel the same as you, we are not slaves, we are mothers.

competition thing, I want to go back to school too in January, but I am stressing the take it all on plus some attitude too, we all know men don't babysit, they sit, and look at the tv, and feel that is babysitting. at least mine does, come home, and the house is a wreck, and he says, what? look at him, and start cleaning again. So I feel you badly!

You will do great you are one of the supermoms out there, and plese don't let anyone tell you to have or not to have children anymore, that is up to you and the Lord. not facebook people!

elle said...

First off, if my hubby did that, there would be some serious words exchanged. I COMPLETELY think that a college education is JUST as important as a "job" since the better you do college, the better/quicker you can get a job. I think i might have smacked my hubby if he said it wasn't his problem, which could just be my irish temper coming out...
And if someone said that you don't seem to like your children? Tell them to stuff it. It's pretty clear to ANYONE that you adore your kids, get annoyed by them, pray for them, yell at them, and cry for them. What more can a mother do? a "normal job" is only 40 hours a week, while moms work 168 hours. EVERYONE needs a break.

KayDee said...

I dont have much to say but I do know that I have ssen you with your kids and you are an amazing mom! You have more patience with your six kids than I do with my three. Dont let anyone's judgement determine how you feel!

Going to school is a hard thing to do when you are a mom! It is hard to have all that put on your plate(so to speak). Even though I dont know you very well I think you can do it. It will be a blessing to you and your family in the long run. Maybe I will see you down there next semester:)

Andrea said...

Hey, I think you are so awesome for continuing your education!! I just went visiting teaching yesterday and that's what the message is all about this month! You are on the right track! You are going to do great! I know it will be hard at times, but YOU CAN DO IT!!! Please let me know if I can help in any way :)

I also know how much you ♥LOVE♥ your family! We have all felt the same way you do at times. That's why we ALL love your blog so much because you're brave enough to put your feelings out there & we can know that we're not alone in feeling the same thing! Being a MOM is hard! No one is perfect!!!


Ruthie Girl said...

How many kids does she have? Maybe it was a self-reflection pointed at the wrong person.

I learned a long time again not to judge another mom, we already do it enough to ourselves.

School is going to be different hard for you than your husband.

sherry said...

Your mom goes to college. (Sorry, that was screaming for a Napolean quote.) If I couldn't delegate a few things to my husband, I wouldn't do it. His job is 40 hours a week. WHy should yours be 168? If you made a list of all of your responsibilities and all of his,and the time involved, he would see that he needed to take on a few things. Like grocery shopping. And dishes. SOmetimes men just have to SEE it in black and white to understand. Your friend is an idiot. Who would say that? You don't sound like that at all. ANd you don't have to justify yourself. You rock! ;)

jayna said...

i just wanted to come and leave a comment... just to say that my mom went back to school with 5 kids and she was single. (of course we were older than your lot) but she did it. she finished a bachelors degree and a law degree. you can do it too!! maybe it's time to give your 10 and 11 year old a little bit more responsibility? would they be able to help you out a little bit more now that you are going to be more busy? i don't know... i don't have kids, (as you know) so i'm not the best one to throw in the input, but you are so capable and you already juggle so much... i know that you will make it through this. good luck and hugs to you.


Belle said...

What a stupid idiot that "friend" is on FB. ANd they're LUCKY I didn't see that post or I would of gone off....ANywho, I totally understand what you're feeling. Moms are left on the back burner most times and that's not how it should be. It will be hard going to school and still doing all the other things moms are suppose to, but if anyone can it's YOU my friend! GOOD LUCK!!

Laura said...

Dude. I would unfriend someone so fast if they wrote that to me. It's so rude its unbelievable. Those of us with children totally understand the challenge. It's hard to enjoy the process when its so difficult and so crazy at times. I struggle all the time finding joy in the journey. Enjoying their time while they are little when I am underappreciated and way overworked!

As for the competition of your husband. I, too, have had to deal with that as well. Men will never understand the load we carry and I will never stop trying to prove my plights (which causes problems a lot). I need a wife to care for me like I do for them. Maybe lesbians have a good thing going.

Very often I think no one understands my stress, the total lack of appreciation. It's all me.

You really touched a nerve with me today. I have been dealing with this crap a lot lately as I have had the summer from hell.

Anonymous said...

I come to your blog when I am down and need an example of a mom who can hold it all together with six (!) kids and a bunch of hardships. It encourages me to keep going! Please don't listen to anybody who thinks that you don't love your kids. You are an inspiration mom to me! Starting school on top of it this year is awesome and deserves my respect!

tammy said...

Women totally have more on their plate then men. I think it is amazing what you are trying to do with going back to school, and sorry Lance, but you're being an ass to say she isn't taking enough credits but then still expect her to do everything else too.

I worked full/part time for many years when Taylor was a baby and later when Connor was, and I still did all of the cleaning and cooking and shopping and paid the bills and laundry doctor appointments and everything else. Sometimes my husband would be home during the day to watch the baby, but a lot of the time he was out of town. Basically I was a single mom and I know how hard it is. We are in charge of so much more than most men.

My friend's husband is the exception. On his days off, he takes kids to dentist/doctor appointments, goes to the store for her - even the fabric store(!), while she teaches preschool.

I get pretty dang grumpy if by Luvpilot's 3rd day off he's spending his days on the computer. I give him a day or two for jetlag and then he better be productive. Unless he doesn't want me happy.

Most men will panic at the thought of having to do everything themselves, which is why so many of them jump at getting remarried when widowed, while women handle things much better in the same situation.

Sweet Notations said...

AMEN! AMEN to all the comments. Your blog makes me realize I am not alone and your just plain HILLARIOUS!!!!!!

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