Wednesday, November 16, 2011

being fat is worse than cancer? learning to accept myself.

Source: via Julie on Pinterest

so the other week, (it was over a month ago) I got a horrible phone call which triggered my use of the Fbomb on Fb not once but 3 times in a row with almost no explanation.

so i'm finally ready to talk (blog about it) .

a few months ago i decided i was finally going to get moving on working towards getting bariatric surgery. i had an appointment with my surgeon. I'd gone to the informational seminar, i'd drilled my friend that had a recent surgery who'd already lost 30 lbs in less than a month.

i was ON IT! sign me up i'm doing this. i've been thinking about it for years. and finally made the call.

WHY? because i wanted to be thinner. i have no thyroid (remember i had thyroid cancer). i assume i can't lose weight but i know i can gain it at the drop of a hat if i slack on taking my thyroid hormones. it's the easy way out. I'm sorta vain, and i want to look AMAZING.

so that being said. i was geared up. super stoked. looking forward to my surgeon appointment and hoping i could have it done BEFORE the holidays.

i was extra excited because my insurance has almost no requirements to get approval for surgery.

i wouldn't have to do 6 months of medically supervised weight loss plan, and i didn't have to meet with a dietitian, like some other insurance plans require.

i just had to prove i'd been overweight for a certain amount of time, (HELLO FOREVER) and certain co-morbidities(seriously got that covered). and do a psych evaluation, and meet with the surgeon after having done the seminar.

i was already planning for the plastic surgery i'd have to have someday to fix what years of being overweight and having 7 babies has done to my body.

i was excited at the thought of looking great at my high school reunion in 4 years.

i was looking forward to having more energy to keep up with my kids and my household chores not to mention, more energy and less hormones to take. did i mention MORE ENERGY?!

and honestly, wouldn't sex be even better if i was thin? at least i imagined it would be. and i have a rad sex life already!

and shopping, i could shop anywhere, not just the fat lady store. i mean i'm pretty fabulous but HELLO! the options would be endless.

so one afternoon about 4 days before i was supposed to meet with the surgeon, i got a call while waiting in the carpool pick up line. it was the insurance specialist from the surgeons office calling to tell me, "you have an exclusion on your policy against ALL bariatric surgery. even if it's medically necessary, it will not be covered.''

she went on to tell me my options were to either pay for it myself out of pocket (THE TAB WOULD BE over $20 grand) and the surgery i was geared up for is the freaking latest and best, the platinum standard of surgeries offered. and seriously, i'm still low budget. that isn't happening.


i might be able to appeal to the board at the hubs corporation or see if switching plans during open enrollment would fix things. a call to HR was in order.

the hubs called. this is from corporate. and not even from the hubs company, but the PARENT COMPANY, it's an exclusion and it can't be appealed.

i was DEVASTATED. Honestly, I took it worse than when I had cancer. CANCER!

I cried for days. I cried at any mention of it. I'd finally told a few friends my intentions and was so excited and suddenly WHAM, not only were my plans dashed but I had to tell people when they asked how it was coming along.

It's like having a miscarriage right after you announced to everyone you were pregnant, you can't talk about it without crying.

After a week or two, I could look at it with a little more clarity, and a little less emotion and I realized my priorities are messed up.

seriously being fat is worse than cancer? REALLY?

I took it like it was. cancer was something I could beat, but feeling unattractive in my own skin, FOREVER seems so hopeless.

i considered acquiring a tape worm, because having a parasite in my body seemed like a valid option compared to staying fat.

It was then that the hubs reminded me that even when I was thin, and beautiful as a teenager I thought I was fat. I wasn't. I was comparing myself to my friends. I was unrealistic and deluded myself into thinking I could weigh 100 lbs. at 6'3" um, yeah, my bones weigh more than that.

What I never realized then was, I was beautiful.

HELLO! I AM beautiful. if i didn't realize that then, and no matter how much i weigh, if i don't think that now, i can't ever be happy. I will never be satisfied.

I realized I NEED TO ACCEPT MYSELF no matter what.

I am beautiful. and amazing. and FAN-FREAKING-TASTIC! thin, or heavy.

It finally dawned on me, until i accept myself i will never be happy. whether I'm thin, or obese. (there I said it. it's an ugly word, I prefer curvy, chubby, even FAT but obese. wow. but it's true but, not delightful to confess to people that have never met me, i don't like to admit that even to myself, OBVIOUSLY.)

people like to say rude things, or treat overweight people like they are lesser human beings. seriously?? i have no room in my life for people that don't love me anyway.

anyway, back to...

I REALIZED I NEED TO ACCEPT MYSELF, and if someday I get the chance to have surgery, great I'll be in the right state of mind to love myself with crazy amounts of extra skin. (until I have the 20 grand saved up for a total body make-over).

until then, maybe I'll actually try diet and exercise. (I could totally use some free time that the gym daycare would give me)

and ya know what? I can finally (after a month or two) look at this now as a blessing.

I have the opportunity to be a better example to my girls about loving themselves, about making better food choices, and about how to be a little more active. But what i really want for them is genuine confidence in their bodies.

In my planning for the surgery, I'd worried about showing them the easy way out and they were worried about me having surgery.

lets be real, if the chance comes to have the surgery, I will sure as heck go for it, but if it doesn't work out, it won't be worse than cancer.

it's no longer about my vanity but about being healthier.

anyway, so that's why the f bomb was dropped thrice, in quick succession awhile back on my Fb.

it's why I was wallowing in a funk and not really blogging. and it's how i rationalized buying the designer jeans that make my butt look great.

if you look good, you feel good.

i have decided since i can't feed my vanity by being smoking hot (read:thin), I'll be completely vain in other ways.

so there we are. I feel much better now that I got that off my chest.

blogging is my free therapy.

when i don't post about something that really bothers me, i can't seem to post until i've blogged about it and moved on.

Source: via Julie on Pinterest

the pics are all from pinterest. i freaking love it.

Have a Beautiful are more beautiful than you know, more talented than you think, and more loved than you can imagine.

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© 2011 crazymamaof6


Cynthia said...

It's hard to have your hopes up- then dashed. However, it sounds like you are getting to a healthier place, mentally, for you. I'm sure you've heard all the stories about the surgeries so I won't share mine. I'm obese too but I'd rather stay this way than live as people post surgery have to.

Take some pressure off yourself on the weight thing. Maybe just focus on improving endurance by working out a little so you can be healthier whatever your weight. I want to get back to working out too. Even though I was still fat, I could do so much more than I can now. I hate being winded so easily. I LIKED being fitter- maybe even enough to find my way back to the gym!

Jen said...

You know I love you no matter what! And you are beautiful and awesome, a great fried that always remembers to check in on me and the little details of my life. That is whats important, who you are on the inside. Although who can fault ya wouldn't we all like to be skinnier? But you are setting a good example to your girls to love yourself no matter what, even when you have don't have total control over what nature is doing to your body (I am learning to embrace my twin skin, blah!). Love ya!

Hulk Granny said...

you ARE beautiful, amazing, and fan-freak-ing-tastic!!!

Julie said...

Oh Julie, I just love you! Thank you for EVERYTHING you share here. I love that you're real and really beautiful. I'm actually surprised that you'd want to change anything about yourself. I see you as such an amazing person.

Amy said...

I'd have dropped the f-bomb too. I hate when I get all excited for something and then someone yanks the rug out from underneath me. It totally sucks.

And I'm like you, I want to look my best. If that's vanity so be it! (Well, except for those days when I just can't fathom the thought of getting ready. I like to be lazy too)

But, on the upside, you're very popular! You hubs and kids think (know) you are the best person ever! So that says a lot about you.

So smile, have an much needed tryst with your tall, dark and handsome lover, and tell the haters to eff off!

Jamie said...

You're awesome and I'm sorry you were feeling so rotten. I struggle daily with the same fat demons. If only it were a little bit easier!!! Loves.

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