Friday, August 10, 2012

I will survive. (a tale of miscarriage)

 A few days ago after dropping the kids all off at school for their first day.

 I  had an appointment scheduled for an ultrasound for a nuchal fold screening ( for early detection of downs syndrome and other chromosomal abnormalities) for my 13 week pregnancy.

A pregnancy I wanted.

A friend had said,"Oh, maybe they will be able to tell what you are having, I found out at mine."

and I thought, but didn't really say out loud, "I'm just hoping there is a heartbeat."

We went in and the genetics and fetal medicine Dr. gave us the usual drill , after recognizing me and reading through my chart that was thicker than average for his office. He knew this wasn't my first pregnancy he'd seen me for.

So then, my favorite ultrasound tech Julie came out and got us, gave me a big hug and said, "I thought it was you today on my schedule!" Excited to see me after a few years. she's been my  ultrasound tech for numerous pregnancies.

So before we got started I'd told her I'd been spotting for a couple weeks and that I'd been on bedrest. and if she could figure out why I'd be thrilled. Ya know, reasons like low lying placenta, blood clot between the placenta and the uterus, or incompetent cervix. Things I'd assume you'd be able to see on ultrasound.

She gets the baby on the screen and I'm not seeing a heartbeat. looking for that little flicker.

she zoomed in...and looked harder.

and then I said it," I don't see a heartbeat."

She tried for a few minutes more, taking measurements, and admitted, "I'm sorry, there isn't a heartbeat. It made it pretty far, to 12 and a half weeks at least."

I was instantly trying to explain to myself and the room  what happened.

Well, maybe it was my thyroid hormones, my levels are ridiculous, hypothyroidism makes it hard to maintain a pregnancy, and my levels were at 55 a few weeks ago, they are supposed to be at 5 or less.

or maybe....she went on to say it could have been something else.

Tears silently rolled down my cheeks and I asked, "well, I guess I'll have to have a D&C , I guess I'll need to talk to my Dr.?"

She said she'd go call before we left to find out what he wanted us to do, or if he wanted to see us.
and she told us to just wait in the room.

as soon as she left I burst into tears. Lance said it wasn't anything I'd done wrong.

The geneticist came in the room and explained, "around  66% of miscarriages  were from chromosomal abnormalities in the fetus that make it impossible to progress past a certain point."

so the hubs was clinging to that theory and I was wondering if it wasn't because I couldn't or didn't obey the orders for bedrest as well as I should have. and there is always the thyroid theory.

I'd thought I was in the clear after I'd passed my usual mark of 8 weeks when I miscarried before.

I'd been sick. which I hadn't been the other 2 times. once before The oldest, and once between #5 and #6.

And I'd seen the heartbeat. TWICE. at 9 weeks and again at 11(the day after I'd started spotting.) I'd been sick all summer. I had every unpleasant pregnancy symptom that I ususally have during a successful pregnancy.

My Ob and told me he didn't think I'd miscarry, he thought bedrest would help.

Apparently it wasn't enough. maybe he'll be able to tell what was wrong. or the pathology results will. There are options of genetic testing but since we have 7 healthy children the dr. said  it might not be worth looking into.

We left the office still waiting to hear from my OB, knowing I'd probably have to proceed with a D and C.

Patriot had been at my sisters , I texted her the update knowing it was easier to type it than say it out loud.

 When she heard the news, she knew I'd need some good food and some shopping to get me over it. I settled for shopping.  It wouldn't take the pain and heartache away but it would stop me from completely losing it.

On the way Home, I made the hubs take me to my happy place.  I felt ok and rationalized, there was no reason for bedrest now, so I needed a little retail therapy.

I hit the handbags on the way in and found a lovely little designer number.  It was gunmetal metallic with silver hardware and studded seams.

Then I perused what else my happy place had to offer.

I picked up a few things we'd needed but I couldn't go get while I was chilling on bedrest and the hubs didn't deem important while he was doing the school shopping. like the right kind of socks for Liberty and a belt to go with her uniform shorts.

I found joy for a moment when I discovered It's halloween at my happy place. I like to shop early for the best selection and they were just putting everything out. I picked a sign for my front door. and checked out.

in then meantime... sweet, well meaning comments were rolling in from my FB status....

"Rad- first day of school. Not Rad- baby had no heartbeat today on ultrasound. :( I see a d/c in my near future."

I felt sort of shallow while I found solace in a new purse, I refer to it as my consolation prize to ease my heartache. 

I wandered near tears the whole time. 

For the last few days I've struggled but managed to find the slivers of silver lining in this...

-My pregnancy acne will go away now. 

-I won't be on bedrest so I can go to San Francisco for Labor day with the hubs. 

-The house won't be a ridiculous wreck. 

I dread the recovery.  What if there are complications from the surgery?  I plan on asking for good drugs and hope the hubs realizes I won't be doing anything for a few days at least. 

My kids asked for playdates and sleepovers last night and I told them, "no! I'm in a crisis. you have to babysit while I go have surgery."

(The teenagers are home on Fridays so they think it's their weekend to have tons of extra fun, but I think it's convenient that today it worked out so they can babysit.) 

One had the nerve to argue with me. So I spelled it out for him,  in ugly terms.  He coould tell I was ready to lose it. He shut up. 

Usually I dread surgery and the part where you can't wear a bra during it. Today I realized I don't even care about the bra issue. I'll already feel so violated for this procedure what is one more ugliness in a day full of it. 

I'm sad. but I haven't cried much.

 People give their condolences and I find myself playing it off as I'm Ok. and I'm embarrassed  by the outpouring of  love on FB by friends, Every sweet message tells me I'm loved  and they acknowledge my struggle. 

I have amazing friends. 

The few people the hubs has told, he tells them he bought me off with a new purse or retail therapy. They laugh and it eases the awkwardness of  it. 

I've had outbursts here and there with him or the kids. It's easier to be mad, but I still end up a  crying mess.

That's when  Peyton offers Hugs.

Pierce is ever present by my side. 

Patriot is always nearby ready to make me smile or offer kisses and cuddles. 

 When we explained to the kids they panicked. Some were in tears. They knew we'd planned on this being the last one. 

We would have been completely devastated except I'd made the hubs promise before we left the ultrasound room that we'd try again. 

So in the darkness we  have hope. 

I have my slivers of silver lining,  I can still find reasons to laugh. 

I have 7 beautiful children to love, I am realizing what miracles they are. 

 I will survive.

today's soundtrack ....

And Hey, it's been a long time since we actually tried to get pregnant. 

It's always fun to practice.  Maybe this time we'll time it right and I won't be Sick/pregnant at Christmas. 

Huge Hugs and good drugs, Crazymama! 

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© 2012 crazymamaof6


VandyJ said...

Oh, I'm so sorry. Hugs for you and all of yours.

Anonymous said...

Oh gosh, I am so sorry. Thoughts and prayers are with your family.

Jill said...

That Sucks.

jeannie maxwell said...

I'm so sorry! Thinking of you! Xo

Lainie said...

So sorry!

Lainie said...

So sorry!

Goat Farm Furnishings said...

I'm so sorry you have to go through this. I'll be praying for you!

Lori Thompson said...

I know nothing I say will help fill the void you're feeling. I just want yuo to know, that no matter what, YOU ARE AWESOME! You are strong and will survive this! Thinking of you!!

Andrea said...

This sucks! You are fabulous & your family is lucky to have you! You're an awesome friend! I luv u tons!

Andrea said...

This sucks! You are fabulous & your family is lucky to have you! You're an awesome friend! I luv u tons!

Jenni said...

I love you Julie and am so sorry you are going thru this today. I know I "talk" to you on FB but I hardly ever leave a message here....but I wanted you to know that I am reading and loving you just as much as ever....and praying with all my heart you will find peace in this!!!! HUGS!!!!

Jen said...

You are an awesome writer. I get the whole downplaying of your feelings and this experience. I love that you are going to try again. Take care woman!

The Lovely One said...

I had a miscarriage 7 years ago. I still get sad about it sometimes. Hang in there!

Janice's footsteps said...

sending prayers you way for healing <3

DysFUNctional Mom said...

I can only imagine, I've never been there. But I would think it hurts no matter how many kids you have already. Give yourself permission to grieve.
So sorry for your loss! xoxo

Renee said...


Tracy said...

Oh My Gosh.. I'm soo sorry. Take extra good care of yourself. Thoughts and prayers your way.

Mamarazzi said...

super sucks. like seriously.

hugs, enjoy the drugs!!

oh and yay to SF on labor day weekend. we will be seeing you!

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