Friday, February 15, 2013

Sometimes heartache lingers


I'm not sure how to begin this post but it's one of those things I have to get off my chest or i can't move on.

go read this before you go on, (so you are up to speed)...


My due date was this week. all my friends that I was pregnant with have had their babies. almost all of them were beautiful baby girls.

Outwardly life goes on, but internally I've been wallowing.

I chatted the hubs the other day...

          me: that moment when the people you were pregnant with have had their babies and  you have...
                   a new purse you don't even carry anymore. and a crappy self manicure. sad panda. 

Lance: yep
3:22 PM me: i need to go shopping



It would have been easier if I was already pregnant. The other times i miscarried I was pregnant on my due date. so it wasn't THIS HARD.

The promise the hubs made in the ultrasound room to try again, isn't really working out.

 The promise that made it easier to get through the miscarriage and D&C.

 that little glimmer of hope that this wasn't it. that this isn't how things will be. forever.


With that hope, in my mind, I might not have really dealt with the loss.

I know some people think losing a baby should be easier because I have a herd of kids at home.

It's not easier. Just because  I have others doesn't mean I don't mourn the loss of this one.


I know I have 7 kids.

 7 great, healthy and fabulous children.  I am blessed. 7 times my pregnancies worked out.

 a few times they haven't.

It is still hard for me. it's not as hard as when I lost the first pregnancy before I had any kids, because I'm busy, BUT it is still hard. Before when I've miscarried I couldn't have had those babies and still have these kids. which made it a little different.

I was further along this time. This time we saw a heart beat. I threw up for 3 months. this was legit.

I wanted another baby. I knew the sacrifices it would take to have it.


So this miscarriage is different.

This time I made it to my due date with no pregnancy on the horizon.

The window is closing on having another one. The hubs is tired.

Once Patriot is too old, I won't go back. again.



I thought maybe my nieces and nephews having their first babies might alleviate the desire to have a new baby of my own, turns out, the great aunt doesn't get to see or cuddle the new babies much. or ever. and it's just not the same.

The hubs keeps telling me, in 6 or 7 years, In theory I could have my own grandbabies.

Which really, that thought just sickens me that my kids are growing up too fast, and I have a feeling will be more frustrating than satisfying.

What if  someday my daughter in law just doesn't do fluffy, ruffly baby stuff and big bows? Or they live far away?

 I think I might die then. I made Peyton promise me, he will make sure his babies wear super cute baby stuff with giant bigger than your head bows, and earrings.

I'm still not sure it will be enough.


So this week has been a little rough. I am happy for my friends with their new delicious babies.

Most days are better and life has moved on, but sometimes it's still hard.

Sometimes I wonder if I don't at least try to have another baby, if I'll remain broken.

Sometimes I wonder if I'd known if it was a girl or a boy it would have been easier, but probably not.


So while everyone else has forgotten and moved on, my heartache lingers.



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© 2013 crazymamaof6

5 comments:

Jen said...

Hugs!! Since I don't know if anything I say will help I will just say: This just sucks! ;) Love ya!

Jenni said...

I'm sorry sweetie! And you have every right to feel the way that you do....cause it totally sucks. HUGS!!!!

Jamie said...

I was thinking about you the other day and wondering how you were doing. You are right it sucks!

DEANNA said...

I KNOW EXACTLY HOW YOU FEEL! NOBODY REALLY FORGETS... SOMETIMES PEOPLE JUST DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY!!! I THINK IF YOU WANT ANOTHER BABY.. DO WHATEVER IT TAKES TO MAKE IT HAPPEN!!!! You are one of the only people I know tht can handle it all!!!! Have a great weekend lady!!

tammy said...

I'm sorry Julie. I was thinking about you the other day, too. Loss is always a loss, no matter what. I hate the "at least she has other kids", or "at least she's young/cute/whatever, she'll find someone else"....it all sucks.

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