Friday, July 5, 2013

Isn't she over that yet?

It's been forever. I'm not sure why other than I've been busy, and sometimes when I'm struggling with something I can't really blather on about the little funny stuff when something weighs on my heart still.

I confess....

It's hard when a bunch of my friends are having babies....and I'm not.

 I'm happy for them, but I'm a little jealous.

Then,  when they complain about cramps, or morning sickness, or bed rest or say things about pawning off a baby they haven't had yet, IT BUGS ME.

For me and probably, all the ladies in the room who have struggled with infertility, or their husbands feel old and they don't want another mouth to feed, or physically they just can't do it again, or they have been pregnant and recently miscarried, or lost babies to preterm labor or any other situation where, they would love to be pregnant, or at least have a new baby.

 These Ladies who would happily make the sacrifices necessary that end with a baby.

Some of them might even be thrilled to have morning sickness if it meant they were having a healthy pregnancy.

So when someone who didn't want another baby gets to have a surprise one. and then they constantly complain, It makes it hard.

Honestly,  I don't think they think about what they are saying and who they are saying it to. I know it's not always about me. and I'm sure my friends don't even realize it might make my heart hurt a little.

Sometimes I want to scream things like, SUCK IT UP SISTA!

I've done hard core morning sickness for what adds up to years at this point, and you are complaining this much about throwing up a couple times ever with this one pregnancy, and feeling nauseous? GIVE ME A BREAK!

Round ligament pain, gets worse with every pregnancy, I feel ya but let's keep the whining to a minimum.

I am sympathetic to the aches and pains of pregnancy, but I've been there done that, and I'm pretty sure I kept most of it to myself and the hubs. THAT'S why it's hard for me, because I'd do it again in a heartbeat. I've tried again and nothing happened.

 Maybe I didn't do as well as I  thought and for those that I made feel sad when I was complaining my last few pregnancies, I'm sorry. I've tried to be mindful of others the last few times I was pregnant because I know it's hard for those who have struggled and long for a new baby of their own.

What also makes me sad....

  • GENDER REVEAL PARTIES! damn it! why didn't they do those while I was still having babies? Super cute and fun, of course the hubs thinks they are ridiculous. and I can't keep a secret long enough to prep for one, who are we kidding. plus I'm a reluctant hostess. It would probably never happen, but they look fun. every time someone has one I wish I could too. 

  • The adorableness of baby girl stuff now, KILLS ME. like I die a little inside at the ruffle petti-rompers. The flower headbands, the glittery baby shoes. The tutu swimsuits and fluffy skirts and angel wings on naked newborns. I. DIE.  It's over the top and super fabulous. 
I'll tell ya, a ruffle petti-romper on a tall scrawny 8 year old is not fabulous. I bought it , tried it and it's just sad and awkward looking. 

The internet and Pinterest and instagram can make you sad, but it can be avoided. I don't have to look at the delight and I'm ok,

I'm just saying it's hard when I feel like I need to avoid friends or family to preserve our friendship, and save myself from a little extra heartache. 

I'll get over it. eventually. It's easier when friends are having baby boys (I've had a boy recently and he's still cute), or their babies are sitting up or starting to crawl, I super love newborns. 

There are things make me think, maybe I'm not done.... 
  • I'm jealous of friends when they are pregnant and I'm not. 
  • I might secretly hope and fear being pregnant every month, because I'm not that careful. 
  • I see cribs and baby stuff for sale and think, OH I need that, but I really don't. 
  • I see cute ruffly outfits and want to hoard them away for a baby I'm never having. 

On the other hand, sometimes I think I'm done because....

  • I have a handful of kids who need braces that I can't afford. 
  • Patriot would be 3 and potty trained before I had a baby if I got pregnant today, the time window is closing.  what's the point if they are too far apart to enjoy each other?
  • I don't want to be pregnant when I go to Hawaii later this year.
  • I hope to have a decent break between Patriot going to school and my potential legitimate grand babies being born. It could happen. I'd like a few years so it's exciting instead of exhausting.  

Will I have another baby? probably not. Would I be sad if I did. NOPE, NEVER. 
and If anyone wanted to give me a free baby, leave one on my doorstep I'd take it in a heartbeat and love it as my own. 

I still struggle, and then I console myself with expensive leather purses instead of designer diaper bags, and the knowledge that my friends won't be sleeping through the night regularly for the next year or more, and in 6 months their baby will be sitting up and crawling, and my favorite baby stage will be over. 

I have to find something to console myself with, because no, I'm not over it yet. I may never be. 

If you are new here I miscarried last year. I was expecting my 8th baby and it was my 10th pregnancy, I only have 7 kids but always wanted more.  You can read my past posts about it here starting with #1,  #2,  #3, #4 and  #5, sadly it was kind of a blog killer. 

© 2012 crazymamaof7


Renee said...

I know how you feel. I relate, especially, to the part about not feeling done. I am done. But only for reasons like my baby is 10 and health. I've always been envious of people who "knew my family was complete." Because I've never had that feeling. It is complete because I'm done, but sometimes I still wonder...

And I had to laugh out loud about someone just handing you a baby...I've had the same fantasy. Oh how I'd love that!!


Kimberly said...

I sometimes wonder too, but then I enjoy a day out with all the kids at a pool, and realize that my kids are self sufficient, and I don't have to spend my day in the kiddie pool, I can hang out in the lazy river the entire time. I actually have bought baby girl clothes, and I still have them in my closet. I know that I will never have a girl, and after this years events, I am ok with it.

Heather said...

This post really reflects how I have felt in the past. My youngest will be a year old on Aug first but I had 2 miscarriages before her and it was heart breaking. Every morning that I woke up puking, I was grateful, every time I felt her kick and move I was grateful. I was even put on bed rest and as much as it sucked I was grateful that it meant I could make it to the end of my pregnancy, and have a healthy pregnancy. I have tried to be more mindful of others when I am pregnant cause you don't know what others circumstances.

Lori Thompson said...

Oh sister!! I swear this post could of been typed and posted by me, exactly. Want a baby, not sure I do, I think I should buy that cure tu-tu skirt (just in case!), I should sell all these baby items I've collected, and I too get a little sad seeing friends prego!

Carie said...

Hey there, long time no stalking. I wanted to comment. I have 3 boys, and in between two and three I had a miscarriage, so I had two miscarriages. I personally feel like for me it was harder to already have children and then have the miscarriages. I knew what I was missing, I knew what I had lost! I had a really really hard time getting over the miscarriages. The second one was 5 mon and had only miscarried partially so they had to go in and finally remove the rest and it had invasively grown to me. I was so desperate for another baby and to not feel the grief that I was feeling that I got pregnant 3 1/2 weeks after this! I sure was not suppose to do this, and it really caused me problems, but at the time I wasn't thinking about anything other than feeling better! I think everyone experiences miscarriages differently, but for me it was devastating, and I stayed in a depression for a long time! I just couldn't get over it and it hung around for a long time! Unfortunately the only thing that made any difference for me was having another baby, and still I was still sad when my original due date came around and always worried i would miscarry my next baby. I am assuming with time it must get better if you are not able to have another baby, but if you keep having these feeling and they wont go away for you then maybe you need to have that baby that you so badly crave! I found the miscarriages so awful to go through emotionally, and I wish I had better support to offer you, and you probably think what i have to say is dumb, but for some reason this post showed up on my past blog, and I felt compelled to comment even though I haven't stalked you in a long time! Way back, I did originally see your post about your miscarriage and so when I saw that you are still struggling I really wanted to just comment to you. Hope you don't mind. Carie- your original sarcastic stalker!

Jen said...

Sorry, I know it sucks!

Crazymamaof6 said...

Carie I appreciate your thoughts and input! I totally agree with you. We'll see how it goes. Thanks for stopping by. I've wondered how you were doing. I hope you are well!

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