Beyond the picket fence and the happily ever after...

Once upon a time I lived in a big white house with pink trim and a white picket fence.

I had a darling family, a husband, a cat and a dog and 7 kids. I was living the dream.

Only it wasn't perfect. There were trials and hardships and no matter how hard I tried my seemingly perfect little life was not perfect.

So I gave up.

I finally realized that there is no perfect. Kids are kids. Life is hard. My marriage while it looked pretty ok from the outside looking in, it was far from perfect. and I hid how not perfect it was, or I tried to anyway. I hid it from myself and I thought I was hiding it from my friends and family.

They saw through it more than I realized and yet some still managed to be surprised when it came down to accepting and admitting that I had been in a verbally and emotionally abusive marriage for 17 years.

We had some good years, and some bad years and some years where I think we'd both hoped one of us would die in an accident or in our sleep or from the cancer.

I am far from blameless in the failure of my marriage.  I am flawed and have an abundance of faults I can admit and some that I'd prefer weren't public knowledge.

Many of my friends and Family knew this was coming, they knew for years it was rocky, they wondered how we even got together.

 I thought I was hiding it from my kids and protecting them, when really they knew before I did it was heading for divorce.

 If I just tried a little harder, if I just changed a little more. If maybe I stopped being myself and tried to be the person he wanted and needed me to be, maybe it could last a few more years, maybe forever. If I just did more.

I finally realized that maybe I was being a worse example to my kids staying, than I was sucking up the courage to finally admit to myself, I am worthy of love and respect. I deserve better and they deserve to see me as an example to them that I am strong, I am amazing and I can do it on my own.

I needed to admit that by staying together we were continuing a cycle of abuse. That by staying together we were creating another generation of victims and abusers and the CYCLE HAS TO STOP HERE.

My kids deserve to be treated with love and respect. They are worthy of love and affection without conditions now and in the future. I was not a positive example of that in my marriage and I was not showing them I believe in my own self worth or ability to be loved.

So this is why my blog has dwindled and died a slow sad death, and I haven't posted. This is why we had a horrible school year and are so relieved the stresses of it are no longer hanging over our heads.

I am getting a divorce. It's filed and now we just wait for it to be final.

The kids and I are staying in the house we are renting. The hubs has been very generous and we are trying to keep everything as amicable and stable as possible for the kids.

While it is hard, I'm hopeful that this new beginning will bring future happiness to all of us. That we can move onward and upward and be the best family we can be.

This is my new normal. 

Look how big my kids are getting. 

Easter picnic 2014

Mothers Day 2014

© 2014 crazymamaof6

The Parable of the Onion.

Do you ever have bad days?

Or a series of trials that make you wonder WHY ME?!!

What did I ever do to deserve this? This Horrible trial that really tests my faith, in humanity or the lord.

You think, I'm a good person, I love my family, I go to church, I have faith in Christ, and yet still, your life goes to crap.

Have you ever watched someone you really love struggle, and you think, OH MY GOSH!?! This amazing person, who helps so many people, who does everything right, everything they are "supposed to do" and their life falls apart.

They get cancer, or their spouse dies suddenly, they struggle with poverty or illness or  job loss or death of a family member, or miscarriage or infertility or depression, or abuse.

Yes you have sympathy, and empathy for their trials. You help where you can and you show them you love them.

Some of those trials are easy to see.

While some  trials are harder to identify, they are lonely long roads that they
travel alone, bearing the burden.

Some people lament everything outwardly, while others bear their burdens in silence.

First off, I don't think the lord means for us to struggle alone.

I don't think he "punishes" his children. There should be no thought of WHY ME?!

and I chose not to be a WHY ME kind of person. I figure why not me?

I also think sometimes the trials and challenges we face in this life are not as punishment but maybe to give us PERSPECTIVE, EMPATHY and to teach us WE CAN DO HARD THINGS.

It's not the easy days or easy things in life that help us grow. Like the refiners fire, we are stronger after our trials.

If we aren't stronger, maybe it's just so we can realize how good the good times are.

My sister used to say, I'm not going to pray to feel closer to my husband because every time I do, everything goes wrong and it's one trial after another.

Tonight I didn't plan dinner, after a long afternoon of stress over one kids school struggles and taking another one to the library into the dinner hour, I came home to the Elders chatting with the hubs in the front yard. We are on the "inactive list" again (they said there really isn't a list but they stopped by).

Anyway, we had a nice chat, they are coming for dinner next week and when they left I finally came in and started making some dinner for those that hadn't eaten on their own.

This is where the "Parable of the Onion" comes in.

I decided to cut up an onion. added a little olive oil and fried up this onion to add to last nights dinner.

Hope was at the table doing homework and she asked what I was cooking, "IT SMELLS DELICIOUS!"

I said it's just an onion.

I had already been thinking about trials and struggling and sort of wallowing in the reality of the day. (Which has been happening more lately, life is hard sometimes.)

I realized, onions, are like trials, and how we choose to deal with them personally makes a huge difference in how they taste. We can take a bite out of a raw onion , it's bitter and makes your eyes burn, and you can cry through it, and think WHY ME?!

OR You can take that onion, or those trials, and you can ask yourself, WHY NOT ME?

How can this make me grow?

What do I have to learn here?

What perspective can I gain?

 What lesson can be learned from this?

You can dice up your onion, add a little butter or extra virgin olive oil, and a little salt,  put it in a frying pan and let it soften, caramelize that onion and make that onion (trial) easier to swallow.

Sometimes the silver lining is hard to see.

Sometimes your trials make you realize, it isn't my faith or lack of faith or the lord punishing me.

Maybe it's the lord telling you....

It's time to make a change.

 It's time to be a little more positive.

It's time to move on.

Sometimes the biggest trial or struggle isn't really even about you, and realizing, IT'S NOT MY BURDEN TO BEAR.

How often do we get caught up worrying about our kids, or our friends circumstances and let it steal the energy we have. (I hear that is another beast called Co-dependency)

Other times, I think the hardest trials are the kind that might bring you closer to the lord, The atonement isn't just about taking on your sins but also letting him take on your burdens. If you give them up to the lord, or take them to him with faith and prayer, your sins can be forgiven and your burdens made light.

I'd quote the actual scripture reference but hey, I'm on the inactive list again. I can share my realizations, but I'm at a loss when it comes to quoting scripture to you.


Anyway, Hope wanted me to post a status on facebook about how amazing the onions smelled, not everyone eats or likes raw or cooked onions but I can tell you, some onions are easier to enjoy, and EVERYONE whether they like onions or not has struggles and trials in life.

Like trials, it's in the preparation, and sometimes we need a little different perspective, when we try to swallow them.

Occasionally I'll be the first to admit, some trials are easier to bear with a little more help than just faith.

My trials in life have taught me plenty they include but aren't limited to...

CANCER, unemployment, miscarriage, depression, a dysfunctional childhood, poverty, marriage struggles, a herd of kids with ADD, a gay parent.

It's almost comical. I know my trials have been easier to bear when I have a good attitude, a little prozac and maybe some counseling thrown in, alongside the faith that things will get better, and that the lord knows me, he knows my struggles and my heart and if I do my part, (even a half assed effort) things will get better.

and the realization that maybe it's NOT ABOUT ME. Maybe it won't happen as quickly as I want. Maybe it's NOT ABOUT MY TIME FRAME.

I just keep swimming. In the eternal scheme of things, what seems like an unbearable burden right now, is seriously nothing.

SO there we are. The Parable of the Onion.

Everyone has trials. Everyone struggles. You are NOT ALONE.

PEOPLE LOVE YOU. I LOVE YOU!

YOU MATTER.

Just keep swimming friends, Just keep Living the dream.

Huge Hugs and ONION SMOOCHES,

Crazymama!





© 2014 crazymamaof6

Pierce is 7 can you believe it?!

Pierce is 7 today. I can hardly believe it.

He's my original blog baby and to commemorate, I'll share some of the most memorable posts from the archives.

His birth story.

The leader of the pack.

The pumpkin thief.

Blue candy coating and other daily delights. (I love the random stuff)

When he turned 4 (there are more links to other archives.)

I love this kid. He's still keeping me on my toes but he's now a great big brother and a huge help. He's still as loving as ever and he still has the deepest voice you've ever heard on a little kid. I can't imagine my life without him.

Pierce went to the Dr. yesterday so here are his stats on his 7th birthday!
64.5 lbs
4 feet 4 inches tall.


6
© 2013 crazymamaof6

Summer tans, Braces and the ever elusive red erasable pens.

Schools starts in less than two weeks. I can't believe our summer vacation is almost over. It has gone quickly and since the kids are older and more self sufficient, it is more enjoyable. Sure the house is a crazy wreck, and the teenagers turned into nocturnal creatures for a few weeks but we've had a nice relaxed summer.

We spent a couple days a week at the water park. The younger kids were game to go as often as I was willing to take them, I forced the teenagers to go once a week at minimum. they were happier if a friend could come.

 I saw more friends this summer in my swimsuit than I ever have. some I'd never seen in the past 15 years and there I was in all my glory. I'm not gonna lie, it's not my favorite outfit to be seen in, and yet I went, a few days a week with the kids. I discovered,  the more I went, the easier it was for me.  I have an amazing tan and ridiculous tan lines. I feel almost confident if I wear my sunglasses, earrings and lipstick.

As the summer comes to a close, I am starting the back to school prep. I haven't shopped at all but we got braces on the 3 oldest kids today.  We went with Wright Orthodontics in Mesa, if you go, give them my name. pretty please with sugar on top.

Peyton can't make a serious face for a picture to save him. 

Next on my list of school prep is new haircuts for the kids. Liberty has an appointment for a cut and color before school starts and the boys obviously need haircuts. I spent yesterday morning Pinning trendy mens haircuts on my pinterest board, It's a hairy subject.

and after that I'm on a quest to find the ever elusive red erasable pens. They are required every year and aren't sold in the basic back to school sections or at the big box stores. I have to hit up the office supply store. I might as well suck it up and buy glue sticks and dry erase markers in bulk.

I hope your summer has been delightful.

leave me a comment and tell me all about it. I feel completely out of the loop with most of my friends. that's the only downside to summer vacation.










© 2013 crazymamaof6

Isn't she over that yet?

It's been forever. I'm not sure why other than I've been busy, and sometimes when I'm struggling with something I can't really blather on about the little funny stuff when something weighs on my heart still.

I confess....

It's hard when a bunch of my friends are having babies....and I'm not.

 I'm happy for them, but I'm a little jealous.

Then,  when they complain about cramps, or morning sickness, or bed rest or say things about pawning off a baby they haven't had yet, IT BUGS ME.

IT MAKES IT HARDER.
             
For me and probably, all the ladies in the room who have struggled with infertility, or their husbands feel old and they don't want another mouth to feed, or physically they just can't do it again, or they have been pregnant and recently miscarried, or lost babies to preterm labor or any other situation where, they would love to be pregnant, or at least have a new baby.

 These Ladies who would happily make the sacrifices necessary that end with a baby.

Some of them might even be thrilled to have morning sickness if it meant they were having a healthy pregnancy.

So when someone who didn't want another baby gets to have a surprise one. and then they constantly complain, It makes it hard.

Honestly,  I don't think they think about what they are saying and who they are saying it to. I know it's not always about me. and I'm sure my friends don't even realize it might make my heart hurt a little.

Sometimes I want to scream things like, SUCK IT UP SISTA!

I've done hard core morning sickness for what adds up to years at this point, and you are complaining this much about throwing up a couple times ever with this one pregnancy, and feeling nauseous? GIVE ME A BREAK!

Round ligament pain, gets worse with every pregnancy, I feel ya but let's keep the whining to a minimum.

I am sympathetic to the aches and pains of pregnancy, but I've been there done that, and I'm pretty sure I kept most of it to myself and the hubs. THAT'S why it's hard for me, because I'd do it again in a heartbeat. I've tried again and nothing happened.


 Maybe I didn't do as well as I  thought and for those that I made feel sad when I was complaining my last few pregnancies, I'm sorry. I've tried to be mindful of others the last few times I was pregnant because I know it's hard for those who have struggled and long for a new baby of their own.



What also makes me sad....

• GENDER REVEAL PARTIES! damn it! why didn't they do those while I was still having babies? Super cute and fun, of course the hubs thinks they are ridiculous. and I can't keep a secret long enough to prep for one, who are we kidding. plus I'm a reluctant hostess. It would probably never happen, but they look fun. every time someone has one I wish I could too. 

• The adorableness of baby girl stuff now, KILLS ME. like I die a little inside at the ruffle petti-rompers. The flower headbands, the glittery baby shoes. The tutu swimsuits and fluffy skirts and angel wings on naked newborns. I. DIE.  It's over the top and super fabulous. 

I'll tell ya, a ruffle petti-romper on a tall scrawny 8 year old is not fabulous. I bought it , tried it and it's just sad and awkward looking. 

The internet and Pinterest and instagram can make you sad, but it can be avoided. I don't have to look at the delight and I'm ok,

I'm just saying it's hard when I feel like I need to avoid friends or family to preserve our friendship, and save myself from a little extra heartache. 

I'll get over it. eventually. It's easier when friends are having baby boys (I've had a boy recently and he's still cute), or their babies are sitting up or starting to crawl, I super love newborns. 

There are things make me think, maybe I'm not done.... 

• I'm jealous of friends when they are pregnant and I'm not. 

• I might secretly hope and fear being pregnant every month, because I'm not that careful. 

• I see cribs and baby stuff for sale and think, OH I need that, but I really don't. 

• I see cute ruffly outfits and want to hoard them away for a baby I'm never having. 

On the other hand, sometimes I think I'm done because....

• I have a handful of kids who need braces that I can't afford. 

• Patriot would be 3 and potty trained before I had a baby if I got pregnant today, the time window is closing.  what's the point if they are too far apart to enjoy each other?

• I don't want to be pregnant when I go to Hawaii later this year.

• I hope to have a decent break between Patriot going to school and my potential legitimate grand babies being born. It could happen. I'd like a few years so it's exciting instead of exhausting.  

Will I have another baby? probably not. Would I be sad if I did. NOPE, NEVER. 

and If anyone wanted to give me a free baby, leave one on my doorstep I'd take it in a heartbeat and love it as my own. 

I still struggle, and then I console myself with expensive leather purses instead of designer diaper bags, and the knowledge that my friends won't be sleeping through the night regularly for the next year or more, and in 6 months their baby will be sitting up and crawling, and my favorite baby stage will be over. 

I have to find something to console myself with, because no, I'm not over it yet. I may never be. 

If you are new here I miscarried last year. I was expecting my 8th baby and it was my 10th pregnancy, I only have 7 kids but always wanted more.  You can read my past posts about it here starting with #1,  #2,  #3, #4 and  #5, sadly it was kind of a blog killer. 

© 2012 crazymamaof7

A Knife Wielding Toddler

Occasionally, I just want to sit in my office and read an article in peace.

When I say my office, I mean my bathroom and the article was something I'd found on the importance of finding the right bra fit. and I was just in there to pee which takes far less time than it does to read the article but like i said i was hoping for a moments peace.

instead...the 6 year old followed me and i had to wrestle the door closed and locked it, not sure if he had his cousin with him. The toddler was not far behind, so as Pierce asked me questions at the door about our summer plans and the amenities at the water park, Patriot was slamming the shower door over and over again.

I sat in silence hoping they would give up and leave me alone.

Then I heard screaming from the family room as I gave up on my article, pulled up my pants and washed my hands. Hope was screaming at Pierce and Tate to be quiet while they were running laps around and on top of the leather sectional, being chased by a butter knife wielding Patriot. Hope was watching Americas funniest home videos and it was harshing her vibe.

Just another day living the dream









© 2012 crazymamaof6

It's a Rockstar kind of Monday.

Sometimes I have something pop into my head that I want to share via FB status but then, I don't post it, or I delete the post.

 Sometimes I don't really have anything interesting to talk?post about because everyone already saw it on FB or instagram.

call these random? or confessions. either way it is what it is, you might call it TMI.

~~

If you ever notice I smell a little more masculine than pretty it's because I wear Lance's cologne when he's out of town, or even when he's in town. he doesn't usually wear any. The logic goes like this.... I love the smell, who am I impressing anyway? I smell fabulous to me. so there it is.

~~

On Monday every week,  all day,  I am more exhausted than usual. I don't know if it's the long weekend, or later nights out, or just the early mornings but I usually have to drink a rockstar or nap.  It's a rockstar kind of monday.

~~

So today I was trying to nap on the couch while Riot was watching Fresh Beat Band (it's his fave) and then he puked dill pickle and bananas on the leather couch. while I was trying to get something to clean it up, he puked again, on the carpet. I cleaned it up with a ton of paper towels and FOLEX. Leather is way easier to clean than fabric or carpet.

~~

The other day I found Pierce (age6) out by the tree in the backyard surrounded by empty water bottles that were littering the ground. He watered the tree back there, with bottled water. I should have taken a picture before i yelled at him about not wasting water, or telling him to clean it up.


There we are. Living the dream.





© 2013 crazymamaof6

Focusing on the ice in my cup

How often do we focus so much on just a part of our lives that we lose out on enjoying the whole experience?

let me tell you a story....about my sonic drinks.

Since we've moved, and I don't have a convenient  location nearby or in the direction I normally drive, so I have to plan ahead now to have a drink on hand.

Oddly enough I only drink a Route 44 Ice water with extra extra ice. I like the Ice, the cup and the straw.

So since I don't live around the block anymore, I go, Buy one drink and 3 extra giant cups of ice.

 I take them home and put them in my freezer for those late nights I need a cold drink, or before afternoon pick-up. I have a mini stockpile in my freezer for such occasions.

So just now, I went out to the freezer, grabbed a cup of ice and went to fill it and noticed a dent with a hole in the side.

Since I have other cups around, not drinkable but not empty. I dumped one out from last night, and began to transfer the ice from the broken cup into the old cup.

I had to chop on it with a butter knife to break up the frozen ice, I dumped most in, but the bottom was frozen solid.

I should have stopped there, but I kept going.

So I started peeling the cup away, then I hacked at the block of ice, flinging bits of ice around the counter and kitchen floor.

 I added water to make it thaw more and started peeling again.

 FINALLY I freed that block of ice.

 Just as I went to put it in my cup, I dumped all of the good ice out of the cup into the sink, creating a puddle on the counter and a spill on the floor and the only ice I had left was the solid chunk.

I sighed, picked up the chunk of ice from the sink and put it in my cup, and what would you know?

That damn chunk of ice prevented the straw from reaching the bottom of the cup now, it made a mess on my floor, and I lost all my good pellet ice.

If I'd stopped while I was ahead, I would have more ice in my cup. I wouldn't have to mop ice and water off of my ,freshly mopped yesterday, floor.

You could say I would be happier if I would have stopped focusing so much on the solid chunk, and embraced what I actually had in my cup already.

Which lead me to a moment of clarity where I wondered how often in life do we miss out on something really great because we are too focused on just one part of our life?

Too focused on work and miss out on spending quality time with our families?

Too focused on our cell phones or computers to catch the simple funny things our kids say and do?

Too focused on something we might want, but not willing to put in the effort to get it, and miss out on what we  really want, and also miss out on what we already have that is pretty great.

Too focused on how we look, to feel really comfortable in a situation.

Too focused on little things or seemingly big things, but not necessarily "the right" things in life.

So are you focused on the ice already in your cup? or the ice you think you want in it?

Sometimes we lose the better portion of it, focusing on the wrong part of it.


those are the deep thoughts brought to you from my sonic cup.

Big hugs and sonic drinks, XOXO,

                                   Crazymama!




© 2012 crazymamaof6

Some stories are just too long for facebook.

So some of you noticed the blog had shut down for a little while.

I was having a crisis of sorts.

suddenly I found out people were reading that I'd never knew read it. and then I offended some friends.
I'm pretty sure my new neighbors read that housewives post. HORRIFYING!

This

Source: majooibarra.tumblr.com via Crazymama on Pinterest

 has lingered in the back of my mind for the last few years.

I believe it's true.

sometimes I feel like I put so much out there , which is fine until I realize....I have no idea who is reading it.

Judgments can be made. Feelings can be hurt. Offense can be taken.

The only way I know people stop by and read is if they comment.

I personally feel like reading a blog and not commenting is like peeking in the neighbors windows.

 Sure they left the  blinds open but they didn't think you'd stand outside, watching and taking notes on everything they had going on.

So I'm back. because I love my blog. I love to go back and read my old posts, look at the pictures and know what was going on in my life. I've been blogging here for 6 years.

Some of my readers have been around that long. reading, watching my kids grow up. some of them I've never met in real life but I consider them friends. they know the real me. they love me anyway.

So I'm back. comment if you were here. I blog for me, but the comments are fun to read later so I know who was here.

besides...some stories are just too long to tell on FB. I've missed posting.




© 2013 crazymamaof6

Previously not posted on facebook.

we making dinner for the herd tonight, i'd decided on pancakes. kids like them, it's easy, done.

Pierce rememembered and has been talking about me making green pancakes last year, it was for St.Patty's day but he insists it was for Dr. Seuss' birthday. and since that was last Saturday, March 2nd. we celebrated tonight, with green pancakes. in the past I've attempted to make spider web pancakes too, so he wanted to make his own.

which looked like this....


anyway, when we called the other kids up for dinner Joy said,"What's with the green pancakes?"

Pierce explained his logic and Joy replied,"That was green eggs and ham, not green weirdness!"


~~~

I saw an article on my facebook feed about the floral printed skinny jeans for plus size ladies. they make them, I've yet to find a pair I love, and I have to confess, i'm afraid they would make my butt look like an overstuffed floral couch. they would have to be the right print, in the right fit for me to buy some. I'll keep an eye out.







© 2013 crazymamaof6

The housewives of....

(bear with me through the first part. try not to be offended if it applies to you. i have a point eventually)

Sometimes I joke about the ladies from the town next door and refer to them as "The Housewives of Gilbert."

A town full of neighborhoods filled with ladies who intimidate me.

They are all stereo-typically skinny.

Lately all of them are sporting chevron maxi skirts, or colored skinnies, chambray oversized or chiffon ruffled shirts layered with June cleaver cardis and are dripping with "statement Jewelry" whether real or imitation.
They wear heels to grocery shop, or Toms.

They sport lots of  MAC make-up.

All of them carry big purses, some are authentic and others boutique finds.

 Most have highlighted hair  and/or wear it long with pornstar curls in their extensions.

It seems like everyone has eyelash extensions.

They are seen around town driving big nice SUV's. They can be found "at the gym" or what i assume is freshly back from the gym because they are still wearing their gym clothes at school drop off and pick up time, mostly they are showing off their super trim bodies. because they look too perfect with their hair done or make up on.

Their pinterest boards are full of amazing decorating, party and craft ideas. Their Homes are spotless and their children are all dressed to the nines and involved in numerous extracurricular activities.


ok so that sounded kinda harsh. I know I've offended a few of my bunko divas for making blanket statements like that.  Who are in fact Gilbert housewives. which I never intended. I love my bunko divas.

I know ladies like this live everywhere. Utah ladies? California girls? There is a pocket of these ladies in my own neighborhood. across the street even.

Have I gotten to know them? not yet. but by appearances sake they look like the ladies that scare me. Like they might not accept me, because well, I'm me.

I hear tell the ladies in my neighborhood aren't nice or friendly. It was proven when no one even brought us cookies when we moved in.

ding ding! right there, not welcoming us into the 'hood? HIDEOUS!

I will tell you, I'm going to be extra nice to our new neighbors because I just don't want them to feel unwelcome.

Now since we moved in I've felt intimidated by the ladies here, it hasn't really gone away. I've thought about it and analyzed it. We've discussed it at bunko and it was discussed on FB.

I have let this worry steal my joy for too long.

Time for a little self realization. I do my best thinking here on the blog (whether it offends someone or not, this is about me today.)

The reason they intimidate me is because I am jealous and insecure. NEWS FLASH!

Seriously though, sometimes it's because I'm not skinny. hello, haven't I accepted that fact yet?

how many years have I let that fact steal my joy? I will tell you...23 years. 23 years I have struggled with how much I weigh, not so much the actual weight but how I perceived myself. the actually poundage doesn't matter if when I was so skinny people spread rumors I was anorexic. That isn't the case now but, even when I  was really truly thin, I let the numbers on the scale rule how I felt about myself. I had unrealistic expectations.  I compared myself to my friends and magazine  models.

 Eventually I've gotten closer to accepting myself. I still struggle especially if I'm comparing myself to others, fast forward to now...

Why should I compare myself to them(these ladies)? I'm pretty sure they might have made some assumptions about me, like I have about them. whatevs.

Time to move on. give it a chance or let it go.

So all those stereotypical statements about the Gilbert housewives? While some may be true, it's not all these ladies are. Just like I'm not just a fat lady in a skinny world. I am fabulous.

Not just  the skinny ladies are stereotypical housewives.

I confess I am rocking a June Cleaver cardi right now, my chevron maxi dress is hanging in my closet. Now that I knocked the colored skinnies and chambray, I confess I've been on the hunt for the right pair. Oh and I'd get lash extensions in a heartbeat.

My designer purse is huge and expensive and my statement jewelry was probably handcrafted by myself or a loved one.

So what I wear or don't, doesn't matter and what they wear and do with their time doesn't matter.


I just may not fit in because I'm too cleavage-y, I have too many kids and I don't freaking care what people think about me.

Maybe that's just it.

I'm not one to go with the flow and blend in. I stand out. people either like me, or they don't.

My beloved Gilbert housewives at bunko told me that once these skinny Mesa housewives get to know me, they will love me.

I've come to realize, if they don't it's OK.

I am an original. There is no one like me. (ok so there are some really close copies out there, don't be fooled if you see one of my sisters.)

 let's be real {whispering behind my hand in your ear} I'm the most fabulous one. 

The cookies from the neighbors isn't a big deal, I guess I just didn't realize how great and friendly my old neighborhood was. 



 what do you think of the bubble statement necklace trend?

How do you feel about colored skinnies and chambray shirts making a comeback from the 80's/90's ?

What kind of ladies intimidate you?

What do the housewives of your town look like?




© 2013 crazymamaof6

Sometimes heartache lingers

I'm not sure how to begin this post but it's one of those things I have to get off my chest or i can't move on.

go read this before you go on, (so you are up to speed)...


My due date was this week. all my friends that I was pregnant with have had their babies. almost all of them were beautiful baby girls.

Outwardly life goes on, but internally I've been wallowing.

I chatted the hubs the other day...

          me: that moment when the people you were pregnant with have had their babies and  you have...
                   a new purse you don't even carry anymore. and a crappy self manicure. sad panda. 

Lance: yep

3:22 PM me: i need to go shopping

It would have been easier if I was already pregnant. The other times i miscarried I was pregnant on my due date. so it wasn't THIS HARD.

The promise the hubs made in the ultrasound room to try again, isn't really working out.

 The promise that made it easier to get through the miscarriage and D&C.

 that little glimmer of hope that this wasn't it. that this isn't how things will be. forever.


With that hope, in my mind, I might not have really dealt with the loss.

I know some people think losing a baby should be easier because I have a herd of kids at home.

It's not easier. Just because  I have others doesn't mean I don't mourn the loss of this one.


I know I have 7 kids.

 7 great, healthy and fabulous children.  I am blessed. 7 times my pregnancies worked out.

 a few times they haven't.

It is still hard for me. it's not as hard as when I lost the first pregnancy before I had any kids, because I'm busy, BUT it is still hard. Before when I've miscarried I couldn't have had those babies and still have these kids. which made it a little different.

I was further along this time. This time we saw a heart beat. I threw up for 3 months. this was legit.

I wanted another baby. I knew the sacrifices it would take to have it.


So this miscarriage is different.

This time I made it to my due date with no pregnancy on the horizon.

The window is closing on having another one. The hubs is tired.

Once Patriot is too old, I won't go back. again.



I thought maybe my nieces and nephews having their first babies might alleviate the desire to have a new baby of my own, turns out, the great aunt doesn't get to see or cuddle the new babies much. or ever. and it's just not the same.

The hubs keeps telling me, in 6 or 7 years, In theory I could have my own grandbabies.

Which really, that thought just sickens me that my kids are growing up too fast, and I have a feeling will be more frustrating than satisfying.

What if  someday my daughter in law just doesn't do fluffy, ruffly baby stuff and big bows? Or they live far away?

 I think I might die then. I made Peyton promise me, he will make sure his babies wear super cute baby stuff with giant bigger than your head bows, and earrings.

I'm still not sure it will be enough.


So this week has been a little rough. I am happy for my friends with their new delicious babies.

Most days are better and life has moved on, but sometimes it's still hard.

Sometimes I wonder if I don't at least try to have another baby, if I'll remain broken.

Sometimes I wonder if I'd known if it was a girl or a boy it would have been easier, but probably not.


So while everyone else has forgotten and moved on, my heartache lingers.




© 2013 crazymamaof6

You can never have too many Ring Pops

Last year at this time I was frantically making/assembling assorted amazing homemade valentines for 6 kids. you can see some of them here

this year, I bought the packs of valentines with the ring pops.

Tonight on the way to drop off the hubs at the airport, Pierce (age 6) was asking if I could make him some more mustache valentines for his class this year because another kid was also giving out the ring pop kind.

I said Nope. I'm not making Valentines this year, last year i spent over $50 bucks and no one appreciated the wonder.

My reply was,"Nope, you can never have too many ring pops. you can both give them."

He proceeded to ask if maybe I could buy pop rocks and make some  for him like Paxton had last year.

I'm pretty sure he would have gone down the list remembering the fun homemade delight that we passed out last year.

apparently someone appreciated the wonder.

maybe next year I will step it up again.








© 2013 crazymamaof6

rad/ not rad

Rad- I found a fabric i loved for throw pillows for my family room and seat cushions when i refinish my kitchen table and chairs. it's bright, it's my color scheme.

not rad- i wondered if the print was a little "mexican-ish"  i found it on Joss and Main today, they called it the Cinco de Mayo pillow.

Source: jossandmain.com via Crazymama on Pinterest

 if that's what they are calling it i was right and it's totally mexicanish. and at 80 bucks a pillow i'll be crafting up my own with fabric by the yard. if i can bring myself to go with it. maybe i'll keep looking.

rad- standing out. apart from the crowd. i might be ready for a drastic change.

not rad- everything overly trendy. i have a list...statement necklaces, chalk paint, chevron printed everything. I'm definitely conflicted over some of those.

rad- Pitch Perfect and the one liners. the soundtrack. love it. we have been watching it on repeat.

Not rad- my nephew telling me I should go by Fat Amy. i still laughed. and can joke about it. but it was still sort of not rad.

and yet it doesn't matter. because...

Source: mindbodygreen.com via Crazymama on Pinterest

rad- self confidence at any size. body acceptance. finally loving myself anyway.

not rad- all the years i had no self confidence (when i should have)   wallowing in unrealistic body image issues. pathetically finally loving myself now, and regretting not loving myself when i should have.

rad- being tall. Liberty is tall too. and confident about it. she's lucky.

not rad- people saying stupid stuff to Liberty about being tall. it's not like she can do anything about it, she's confident about it. shut up and let her be confident about it. are people trying to give her a complex or something?


not rad-  I would be due next week. it's been 6 months since i miscarried. it passed fast. it is a little hard when everyone i was pregnant with is starting to have their babies. and they all seem to be baby girls. i covet baby girls.

rad- on the bright side, we wouldn't have been able to move or it would have been a miserable holiday and move if i was pregnant. things seem to work out but it's not always easy.

not rad- i have a hard time still. some people just don't get it. the hubs doesn't even get it. i have my days where i'm ready to have my girl parts removed and move on to the next chapter. and then some days, I am dying to try again. if i could have someone hand over a free baby girl i'd take it in a heartbeat.

and then I found this.... it's RAD!

Source: someecards.com via Jenifer on Pinterest

maybe i will just learn to embrace it. and stick with lucky #7.


















© 2012 crazymamaof6

an excellent example of motherhood?

sometimes i think man, i have experience.

 i am a great mom.

I am qualified to give advice, diagnose childhood rashes, talk you through a tonsilectomy recovery and chronic ear infections, and how to survive sleepless nights. thrush, croup, pneumonia, jaundice, speech delays, and ear tubes.


and then other days i get all butt hurt because a friend i love says she has issues with feeding kids ramen noodles.

 don't get me wrong, it's not a staple here by any means, i mean, we have some in the pantry, because it's easy, it's cheap, and the kids can make it themselves, AND in an emergency it's a warm meal. no, it really has no nutritional value. i get that. all that sodium, no protein. whatevs.

i don't even cook it, the hubs does. or the kids hork down cup o' noodle.

sidebar: i have a rad video of the baby falling asleep eating his ramen at the table. it's taking forever to upload  so i'll post a link when it finishes.


anyway. instantly i felt like a mom fail because i feed my kids ramen. and then i remember, they love their veggies, they could do without ever eating pizza again. they ignore candy and cookies and pick fruit as healthy snacks all on their own and eat it constantly and beg for fruits and veggies at the store.

so I don't suck.

then i saw a thing on Pinterest. 27 encouraging phrases for kids. i looked at it , but before i did, i thought, yeah i have a list i use. it's not 27 phrases. but it sounds like this....

You are capable!

I believe in you. you can do this!

You can do hard things.

You are awesome!



see, encouraging. stellar mom right here.

and sometimes when it's warranted i tell them...

don't be a douche bag. 

it sounds harsh but it's all encompassing and I mean- 

• hold the door for people, be nice to the new kids, smile at people and say Hi, if someone needs help, help them. be kind to everyone, don't leave people out. Don't put people down to make yourself feel good. treat others as you want to be treated. share. take turns. 

then I offer advice...

stand up straight.

eww you have a zit, let me get that for you. (it's an act of service, Don't judge)

put your deodorant on.

wear some cologne or perfume, no one likes a stinky kid.

OMG when was the last time you showered!?! go wash your hair!

Brush your teeth.



i also tell them "thanks for coming, have a nice day" as a way of dismissing them from my presence.

I sympathize and say, "sad panda" when they don't get their way.

Pierce reminded me, when he has the "i wants" and harasses me over and over again, i say,"well i want a million dollars but I'm not gonna get it! you can't always get what you want" and i sing.


I believe playing video games with words you have to read, counts as reading time. it's even better when they have to type too.

After 15 years of mom delight I have learned to pick my battles.

ramen, isn't the worst thing they could eat for a meal.

Cookie dough from the pillsbury tub MIGHT be. (they had that tonight. life goes on.)

I made soup, they opted out and served themselves.

gold star for food prep for themselves, and another gold star for cleaning up.

who are we kidding? i had a glob or two myself. i did use a different plastic utensil for each spoonful.

i said i'm a good mom, i never said i was environmentally friendly.



There we are, an excellent example of motherhood.


don't sweat the small stuff, the most important thing is being there, holding them, loving them and remembering they are only little for a short time, enjoy it. and by the way, it doesn't get easier.

I thought i was crazy when I had 4 kids under 4. turns out, those were the good times. nothing to do but entertain the herd with zoo trips, museum passes, and spending all day at the mall.

now i'm crazy, all i do is drive taxi service and run people places. it doesn't get easier, it is just different, and more expensive. and they remember everything i do wrong and talk back. OY teenagers!

sometimes i think i would take a herd of toddlers anyday over this good time.

but then, i like to dress up the diva and help her with make up. I like talking about friends and teen romances with my kids.

the trick is to enjoy the stage of life you are in.

embrace it.

and remember....

huge hugs and mama love, Crazymama





© 2013 crazymamaof6

my accidentally amazing soup (a Crazymama recipe)

So, I've had this craving for soup. It has been chilly lately here in the A.Z. (read that like you would the OC)

freezing temps last week for a few days and a couple days in the 80's this week. It has been weird.  I don't love the cold and so today when it was cold and rainy again, I decided I must make soup.

I'd seen a few recipes on Pinterest, one with a bunch of cans dumped into it and mixed up and it sounded delicious.

Slight problem, I didn't have any cans of pinto beans in my pantry. BUT I did have dry pinto beans, so this morning I picked through the beans, then I put them in a pot, brought it to a boil, turned them off and let them soak for an hour, then turned them onto simmer all day. I had to watch them, I kept stirring them so they wouldn't burn to the bottom. I added water when it started to get low, I babysat those beans all day long.

and then....when they were almost done and ready to season,  it was time to pick up the teenagers. so I got in my car. drove across town. went an extra mile out of my way to hit Sonic for a water and get other beverages during happy hour, then  picked up the teenagers and headed home.

When I walked in. I could tell, my pot of beans had burned. burned so badly they were charred in the pot, smokey stench filled the house and the effort of making my beans from scratch was wasted.

sad panda.

I carried on with my plans for soup.

I got out some ingredients from the pantry, and threw them together in a pot. seasoned them perfectly and had the best soup I've had in YEARS.

 That is saying something,  I have recently had a ton of soup on a quest to satisfy my craving.

There is a new Zupas restaurant here in town, and I went to sweet tomatoes last week, and a few other places. and THIS MADE UP RECIPE is what hit the spot.

Some friends wanted the recipe on FB, I said I'd post it and Pin it and since I made it up as I went along I will attempt to tell you how to make it yourself.

cooked egg noodles according to package direction. drained but not rinsed.

 in a medium saucepan combine the following...

2 15 oz. cans of tomato sauce
and add a couple cans of water to thin it out.

1  10 oz can of zesty diced stewed tomatoes with green chili
1/4 lb browned hamburger meat. ( I had a baggie in the freezer already cooked)
a handful of dehydrated  minced onion, (use however much you like, I put a handful in everything)
a pinch of garlic powder
a pinch of black pepper
a pinch of salt
1 1/4 teaspoon of spice mix for salsa (see recipe for spice mix below)

stir together, add egg noodles, heat on medium temp. on stove until warm.

I added a squeeze of fresh lime in mine.  it was delightful.

the meat and the noodles are totally optional.you could probably do ground turkey, penne, bow tie pasta or macaroni noodles. or just more chunky veggies like sliced steamed zucchini or corn.



The spice mix for salsa recipe.

1/2 cup salt
1/2 cup dried cumin
1/2 cup dried cilantro
1/2 cup onion powder
1/2 cup oregano
1/4 cup garflic powder
1/4 cup dried tepin (dried hot Gerry)

Blend dried mix together and store in a container.

it makes a bunch, you can either mix it all together and keep a jar in the cupboard, or put it in smaller containers and give it away to friends and neighbors. (my brother makes it up and gives it away for Christmas to friends and co workers in mini jars and tupperwares, I have a stockpile in my cupboard)

  for salsa: add 1 teaspoon of the mix into any of the following: 1 can whole peeled tomatoes, 1 can stewed tomatoes or 1 can tomato sauce. add green chilies if desired.

you can blend it  with your tomatoes or pulse it or have it chunky or smooth. DON'T add a tablespoon full. it will be fire salsa. I made that mistake only once. I was 12. seriously only add a teaspoon and taste and add a little at a time until you like the flavor.


There we are. my made up recipe. it totally hit the spot tonight and warmed me up from the inside.

 I was going to add fresh pinto beans but it was glorious without. who knows, they might have ruined my accidentally amazing soup.

 My teenager said ,"this is delicious!" if you have a teenage boy, you know how rare any praise is, let alone a compliment.


Since I didn't think my whole family would enjoy the soup, I had options. I'd cooked enough noodles for an army, so I reserved half or more of the cooked egg noodles  and rinsed them and served them with white sauce or red sauce like spaghetti. I fed my family, a nephew, a neighbor girl and had a bunch left over. the soup however was all gone.



© 2013 crazymamaof6

Embrace

  For the last few years, instead of doing a bunch of resolutions i won't follow through on, I've done a word of the year, originally following my friends lead and copying her.

for 2012, my word of the year was Fabulous. as in Make it fabulous.

simple right? it was glorious.

I succeeded. all year long. ok so there were some crappier months but even then I aimed for fabulousness and saw the silver lining and survived. fabulous was just a bonus.

There were other months that were amazingly fabulous. hallelujah.

This year, the word that came to mind is EMBRACE.

on my crazymamaof6 fb fan page I posted this....

"My word of the year is...."embrace".....You know, "embrace" the reality I live. The life I have made for myself. Embrace the insanity, the chaos, the busy exhaustion. Embrace the joy in the small triumphs of the day. Embrace my children more. Embrace the differences in others. Embrace myself in a body acceptance way. Embrace a healthier lifestyle. Embrace the everyday monotony and make it amazing. Embrace life and continue to make it fabulous! See doesn't it feel like I just blog posted? There we are. Embrace it."

I really do need to work on embracing the everyday reality. The chores, the carpool, the meal making. this is all I ever wanted to be, I should embrace the monotony and step it up a notch and really make it fabulous.

and from the archives....


2012  Fabulous

2011 Persevere 

2010 Wisdom

2009 fuchsia

2008 TRY




As I read through my archives for the last 5 years, I noticed my resolutions  always include taking my pills. it's a daily thing, you'd think I'd have that down by now, but no, i still need to work on it.


So there we are EMBRACE, it is my word of the year.




do you pick a word of the year? resolutions?







© 2013 crazymamaof6

Ready to be back to blogging.

Happy New Year!

it's been a few months off. Apparently I needed a little me time.

Life continues speeding along, week after week.

We moved. slowly. it was a long haul.

Which is a little ridiculous, since it was just across town. but we did it over a months time.

 We ended up paying double rent in December. but didn't  I want to be rushed or crowded hauling things we don't need or want. I wanted to have the house organized as we moved in.

 In the last week or two of moving the kids were over it, saying we were ruining the Christmas break making them help. and we were exhausted from the holiday, and moving and trying to split time between two houses and not getting much done anywhere.

In the end, I swear I restocked the nearest thrift store a couple times over, and purged a ridiculous amount of crap that was cluttering my house and weighing me down. and even after all that , i worry that i didn't purge enough and i need to keep going.

moving and furnishing a new house and putting everything away is overwhelming.
my children are ill trained to do anything , it seems.  I have come to the point, I refuse to do it for them. They are old enough, they are capable. they need to do it for themselves. I will help them but I can't do it all by myself anymore.

so there we are.

blogher quit me today. saying i haven't posted regularly enough anymore. i'm totally ok with it.

I was just itching to start posting again. it's been awhile since i could say that.

so come back.I have more posts in my brain just waiting to be posted.

I have a word of the year and Christmas to post about.

 A bunch of new pics to update the sidebar and the baby has turned into a crazy toddler,  he's a devil and a delight every freaking day.

I'm ready to be back, even if it's just me that reads it.

huge hugs,
XOXO Crazymama
















© 2013 crazymamaof6,

'Tis the Season...

For Christmas parties at Grandma's and visits with Santa. 

Family pictures....

Orchestra concerts....

And band concerts....

we are in the middle of moving into this house. 

we got keys and the next day i was there hanging up some new Christmas decorations. 

I made time for some crafting...

and tree decorating...

Paxton turned 12 yesterday. I can't believe how fast time flies.  

especially this time of year. 

in addition to all of those delights....

 I went to Lauri's annual Cookie exchange. she is the cookie exchange queen!

Her invite is highly coveted and very exclusive. 

Life is good. Hectic and overwhelming sometimes but it's good.

I hope you are doing well.

my Christmas cards are on their way. and we'll be sleeping at our new house before Christmas.

huge hugs, and happy holidays!






© 2012 crazymamaof6

catching up, it's been awhile.

Ahhh....Long time no blog, huh?!

you've missed me, admit it!


let's update.

Liberty turned 13 in October, she is so grown up and beautiful. I admire her confidence and her ability to stay away from teen drama. She wants no part of the girl drama and will not put up with it.  I call her a diva but she's really sweet and kind to everyone. She's 5' 8 1/2"  she hasn't grown in a few months so Peyton has finally caught up to her. Now they really look like twins.

My Family reunion with my siblings over October Break was delightful. 4 days in the woods with no internet or cell service. it was a nice change. the kids loved running around and digging in the dirt with cousins, walks to the creek and playing with the camp fire. we had movie night, and crafts. it really does deserve it's own post.

Then there was the delight of Halloween times 7 kids. plus some bonus costunes.

Pierce was a vampire, Patriot was Dumbo on halloween night, Paxton was an Asian Rice Picker, Hope was a gypsy, Joy was an indian, and Peyton was a nerd on Halloween and Liberty was a disco diva.

For the trunk or treat at the big kids school, and Grandma Joann's halloween party  Peyton was an Army guy and Patriot was a Devil. 

This is how the back of the suburban looked for the trunk or treat.
The hubs decorated it by stealing stuff off the mantel. ;) 

I wasn't all that into Halloween this year, I barely decorated for one of my favorite holidays. The little kids were beside themselves and did some decorating on their own.  I eventually decorated the mantel, I should run down and take a pic, it's still up.


Then at some point we bought a new Car, her name is Jetta. she's fabulous and I went from spending $200 bucks a week on gas to only $50. amazing!

As if my life isn't busy and crazy enough, we are moving in the month of December. We found a rental one house away from my favorite brother Aaron, and jumped at the chance to live close to them.

It's glorious and I admit I totally coveted their house when they moved in. Now we will have granite tile counters and a full finished basement and media room too. plus the added bonus of cousins to play with and go to school with. it will be extra great.  and worth the insanity of moving at Christmas time.

So there we are, that's what I've been up to.

Peyton turns 14 tomorrow. I can hardly believe my firstborn is so old. he's a good boy, he has his teenage testosterone rage moments but he's a helpful and sweet too.

I love my kids.

















© 2012 crazymamaof6